I couldn’t love my baby – she nearly killed me
A year since her daughter was born, TV star Marissa Hermer is at last getting to know her – after both survived a traumatic pregnancy
ARUSH of love… a sense of completeness that is almost indescribable. Words s o oft en used by mothers to sum up t he moment t heir newborn is handed to them. But when Marissa Hermer gave birth to her longedfor third child last year, these feeling were overwhelmed by a crippling fear that this precious gift would be snatched away.
The 35- year- old star of reality television series Ladies Of London says: ‘While I had that overwhelming love, I didn’t want to let myself connect with her. I thought at any moment I could lose her.’
The pregnancy had been fraught with difficulty. Marissa developed a rare, life-threatening complication in which the placenta, which normally attaches to the inside surface of womb, can instead grow through the uterus wall into the surrounding organs and muscles of the abdomen.
Women suffering the condition are at high risk of catastrophic bleeding during labour, and almost two- thirds must have a hysterectomy after the birth, as was the case for Marissa.
Because of the inevitable blood loss, delivery of such babies is always a complicated process and fortunately for Marissa, renowned war surgeon David Nott, who has operated in Bosnia, Afghanistan, Iraq and Syria, was on hand throughout the operation.
Her daughter Sadie was delivered two months early by caesarean section, under general anaesthetic.
Marissa then suffered lifethreatening bleeding and had to undergo further surgery. It was not until five days after the birth that she even saw her baby.
Following a stint in intensive care, and two weeks at Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, Marissa admits she felt ‘grateful’ to be alive.
And yet, there was still not a shred of the kind of happiness promised in all the baby books.
‘All new mothers are tired, but this was different,’ says Marissa, who is also a food writer and is married to British restaurateur Matt Hermer, former owner of Boujis, the London club that was once a favourite of Princes Harry and William.
She adds: ‘Initially I was so grateful to have got through it all, but then it hit me. I was lethargic. I wasn’t excited about anything, I was numb. I cried a lot. I even wrote letters to my family in case I didn’t get through it.
‘I think it might be something a lot of women with difficult pregnancies do: you stop yourself connecting with your child because you’ve been told this whole time that you might lose the baby. I didn’t want to fall in love with her because I was scared of losing her.
‘I had survived the operation and Sadie had survived, but I was still crying and crying. I was constantly afraid she was going to be taken from me. I just didn’t have that joy I should have as a new mother.’
Sadie is Marissa and Matt’s third child and her previous pregnancies – with sons Max, five, and Jake, three – had been comparatively uneventful.
Abnormal placental growth occurs in about two in every 10,000 pregnancies. However, it is 50 times more likely if a mother has had a previous caesarean section – which Marissa had with Max – or has had other more common problems with the placenta.
Marissa’s condition was placenta increta, which occurs when the placenta attaches so deep into the uterine wall that it penetrates the uterine muscle.
She recalls: ‘At about nine weeks, my obstetrician saw something that concerned him. He sent me to two different experts to get further clarification. They mistakenly said it was not placenta increta.’
She says: ‘They got it wrong – and thank goodness they did, as women who have this condition are often recommended to terminate their pregnancy.’
Throughout the pregnancy, Marissa was ordered to take bed rest. She reveals: ‘I had suffered three miscarriages after Max and Jake, and there was a lot of bleeding on and off with Sadie.
‘I was told not to be further than 20 minutes from the hospital.’
At 23 weeks, Marissa and Matt were told they were to have a daughter. ‘But in the same breath, we were also told that I did indeed have placenta increta,’ Marissa says. ‘I was put under house arrest again and told that if I started bleeding, I would need to get straight to hospital.
‘It was a very emotional and difficult time. I felt very isolated, not being able to be active and play with my sons. We would have lots of breakfasts in bed, and we’d read books in bed and have family time from my bed rest, but it’s not the same.
‘Matt and I didn’t truly realise how horrible and anxious my preg-
I wrote letters to my family in case I didn’t pull through
nancy had been for both of us until we came out on the other side. I remember how each time I went to the bathroom, I was thinking I might have a lifethreatening bleed.’ For the remainder of her pregnancy, Marissa had twice-weekly scans to monitor the growth of the placenta. A natural birth for women with the condition is almost impossible, so doctors decided that Marissa would have her baby at 32 weeks. She says: ‘It was early but it was a balancing act of trying to let the baby stay in the womb for as long as possible, but not letting the placenta grow too far into the abdomen.
‘They said [that the date proposed] would give us both the best possible chance.’
Surgery took five hours and involved a full hysterectomy and other internal-organ reconstruction after the baby was born.
The next day, while Marissa was in ICU, she began to haemorrhage and was wheeled back to theatre for a further two-hour operation to stop the bleeding.
She recalls: ‘ In the first few days after Sadie was born, there was only pain, so there was no longing for her. I was on morphine, which knocks you out.
‘I had a fleeting moment when I came out of the morphine fog when I thought “I want my baby”, but that was immediately drowned out by the pain.’
Luckily, surgery was a success and after five days, Marissa was finally able to hold her baby girl.
She says: ‘ I had that maternal experience but the hard thing was that I couldn’t be with her. It’s very difficult to have to hold your baby and then give her back to a nurse.’
After two weeks in hospital, mother and baby were allowed home. But Marissa was still struggling to get that final piece of the new mother puzzle to fit.
‘I ended up having to go through it all while filming for TV, which was surreal,’ she says. ‘I already knew I was in a risk group because post-natal depression is more common in mothers who have a traumatic pregnancy and birth like I did, and it’s also more common if you are working a lot, which I was – on deadline for my cookbook and filming Ladies Of London.’
Marissa, who is American by birth, was helped by a much-needed break in California. ‘That enabled me to take my foot off the pedal and I was finally able to nest with Sadie. I was able to get out of that dark hole – without taking any medication.’
Marissa and Matt are still in the US while she continues to recuperate. She says: ‘ We are lucky that we have had the same maternity nurse for all our three children, so we had hands-on help throughout.
‘ There’s no one experience of post-natal depression that is right or wrong – it can come in many forms, and it’ s important to acknowledge. While I had the instant love for Sadie, I did struggle to get that connection, and it took time.’
Almost a year after the trauma of Sadie’s birth, she is finally beginning to feel some joy in motherhood again.
‘Sadie is absolutely thriving. She’s so chubby and chunky and is passing all her milestones. It’s so comforting that she so big and healthy.
‘Now, I’ve recovered physically and emotionally and just happy to be alive with a happy baby girl.’
There was no longing for my child ... I felt only pain