QUOTES of the week

‘Last year the average first-time buyer in London needed a deposit of more than £90,000. That’s a lot of avocados.’

Communities Secretary Sajid Javid

hits out at baby-boomers who believe young people can get on the housing ladder if they give up fancy foods.

‘In this age of shrinking publicity budgets it is very generous of John Lewis to devote their Christmas campaign to my 1986 picture book.’

Illustrator Chris Riddell

suggests the company has plagiarised his story Mr Underbed for its festive ad.

‘We’re a very downto-earth family.’

Tamara Ecclestone,

as her reality TV programme shows her living in a £70 million mansion complete with a three-storey play area.

‘If I get one more plate put in front of me with six dots of sauce I will go mad.’ Delia Smith hits out at today’s chefs over their ‘poncey’ cooking.

‘The pictures are split 50-50 – a normal young girl and then this weird hybrid… quite porno, pouty lips and pushing boobs out.’

Chef Jamie Oliver

bemoans the social media pictures posted by some teenage girls.

‘They don’t call him The Crocodile for nothing. He never says a word but suddenly he bites.’

Friend’s description

of Emmerson Mnangagwa, Robert Mugabe’s former brutal henchman who organised the coup in Zimbabwe.

‘My commuter train in Tokyo was two minutes late – because there was an earthquake.’

Twitter user Shuyler Velsaco

recalls her experience in the week that a Tokyo rail firm apologised for dispatching a train 20 seconds early.

‘In my best Lady Bracknell voice I said, “Are you actually touching my breast?” ’

Screenwriter Daisy Goodwin

recalls her reaction at being groped during a visit to Downing Street.