QUOTES of the week

‘I haven’t seen this many Australians crying on TV since Scott and Charlene got married.’ Commentator Jane Merrick tweets in the wake of the ball-tampering scandal engulfing cricket.

‘He has allowed himself to become the poster boy for anti-Semites everywhere.’ Veteran Labour MP Margaret Hodge criticises Jeremy Corbyn as hundreds of people protest in London over anti-Jewish feeling in the party.

‘Some people go through their whole life without meeting their hero. I gave birth to mine.’ Kelly Kennett, whose son Keilan was forced to wait almost a year before undergoing a five-hour operation to correct a severe curvature of the spine.

‘I think you should pop outside and test it out.’ Richard Madeley’s light-hearted suggestion to weathergirl Lucy Verasamy, who was worried her denim outfit would shrink in the rain.

‘Pope reveals he has never been to Ikea.’ Commentator Daniel Finkelstein tweets after Pope Francis claimed in an interview ‘there is no Hell’.

‘It was a divine calling to connect with the morphogenetic field.’ Briton Katherine Brewster’s bizarre explanation for going missing in a remote area of Brazil.

‘I suppose so.’ Julie West’s response when asked if she was pleased to hear that her ex-partner had won £9 million on the lottery – a month after their split.

‘We’ve got ’em over Kent. I’ve seen them and I’m not the only one. I’ve got witnesses.’ TV star Paul O’Grady is convinced he is being watched by aliens.

‘People are really nice to you when you say you’re leaving. You should try it, John.’ Sarah Montague pokes fun at colleague John Humphrys on her final Today programme appearance.