Be honest about death so children understand

MARINA FOGLE, 39, is the wife of author and broadcaster Ben Fogle. They live in West London with their children Ludo, eight, and Iona, six.

A LOT of tears have been shed in the Fogle household this March. Four family friends have passed away. None of the deaths was entirely unexpected but when the final news hits, it’s always a shock.

Since the death of my son in 2014, I’ve not been scared of hiding my emotions from my children. I learnt in the early days of shock that being honest with children – respecting that they will be able to understand the one certainty in life – is not always easy, but it pays off.

I was driving to my niece’s christening when my sister called me in tears with the news that her best friend’s mother had succumbed to cancer. I find it’s one thing hearing the news, but as soon as I have to articulate the news, I can no longer hold back the tears. I explained to my children, as I drove up the M4 – desperately blinking away the tears – that their friend’s grandmother had died.

Then we started talking about what death is. That conversation enabled me to reassure them that, in all likelihood, it wouldn’t happen to them for a long time. ‘You’ll probably live until 100 and since you’re eight and six, it’s a really, really long time away,’ I said.

My biggest fear as a child was the thought of my parents dying, and I knew this was the question that Ludo and Iona were dreading asking.

I can’t promise that the spectre of death won’t cast its shadow over our family soon; Ben is just about to climb Everest, for goodness sake. But this conversation gave me the opportunity to tell them that life is precious and it’s our duty to make the most of every moment. Add life to your days, not days to your life, is an adage that Ben and I often use.

I don’t believe in shielding my children from the brutal reality of life. If you don’t address their concerns in an honest way, you’ll lose their trust. What these conversations have taught me is that children are more than capable of dealing with grim truths.

My children know that if they see me emotional, then they can ask me about it and they’ll get an honest answer.

By equipping them with the confidence to ask questions, I’m teaching them to navigate the inevitable slings and arrows that life will throw at them.

CHILDREN ARE CAPABLE OF DEALING WITH GRIM TRUTHS