QUOTES of the week

‘Patriarchy is putting Jane Austen on £10 notes at the same time as bringing in contactless.’ Athena Kugblenu with one of the best jokes at the Edinburgh Festival.

‘Every time she sang, we were graced with a glimpse of the divine.’ Barack Obama’s tribute to Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin following her death aged 76.

‘Can’t be easy to hold a coffee in one hand, a Glock in the other and a croissant between the teeth.’ Twitter user mocks armed police who foiled a raid at Starbucks – they were taking a break at the branch at the time.

‘If you need me, I’ll be on my Batphone.’ Actress Ruby Rose quits Twitter after being criticised for playing a gay superhero in a new TV series.

‘These wrists are gold, loosen the cuffs.’ Rugby star Danny Cipriani’s reported comment to police after a nightclub fracas.

‘You try getting three people on acid from the Monterey Pop Festival all the way to London.’ Roger Daltrey explains why he was the only member of The Who to avoid hard drugs.

‘Tonight’s University Challenge was just Paxman talking to a male version of Alexa.’ Twitter user compares Cambridge student Jason Golfinos, who correctly answered 13 starter questions, to Amazon’s virtual assistant.

‘I overheard one woman describe us as the mammary brigade and state we were putting her off her teacake.’ New mother Nikki Davis recalls the reaction of a fellow cafe customer as she breastfed her daughter.

‘Getting ready to be mesmerised by Celebrity Big Brother, and reminding myself I also enjoy Solzhenitsyn just so I don’t feel like trash.’ Actress Kate Beckinsale looks forward to a new series of the reality show.