QUOTES of the week

‘If 6 is a B and 4 is a C, then what the hell’s a 5?’ Radio presenter Nick Ferrari tries to untangle the new GCSE grading system during an interview with Schools Minister Nick Gibb.

‘If anyone is looking for a good lawyer, I would strongly suggest that you don’t retain the services of Michael Cohen.’ Donald Trump tweets after his long-time fixer accused him of paying hush money to porn star Stormy Daniels.

‘I would recognise Parky if he was standing behind me in a diving suit.’ Comedian Billy Connolly hits back at claims by his friend Sir Michael Parkinson that Parkinson’s disease has dulled his brain.

‘The director rang and said, “You’re too old and you’re not sexy.” Good morning, 40!’ Cher recalls how she was initially rejected for a role in The Witches Of Eastwick on the day of her milestone birthday.

‘I can’t even clap in time.’ Strictly contestant Katie Piper fears her time in the ballroom could be short-lived.

‘You can’t give oxygen to daftness.’ Jamie Oliver refuses to be drawn into a row after being accused of ‘appropriating’ Jamaican culture with his jerk rice recipe.

‘A beamer in the form of leukaemia, the yorker of muscular dystrophy, the googly of Parkinson’s and the reverse swing of diabetes.’ Family of cricket fan John Taylor use terminology from the sport to describe how he lost his fight for life aged 83.

‘Why did this take so long?’ Simon Cowell is in typically modest mood as he receives his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

‘At first I was intrigued and then offended. In the books she is a 65-year-old welterweight Eastern European cheroot-smoking harridan.’ Cate Blanchett describes her role in The House With A Clock In Its Walls.