NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

EACH week, The Mail on Sunday takes an irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Jacob Rees-Mogg hits back at Michel Barnier’s claims that Brexit is being driven by nostalgia in a very strongly worded telegram.

TUESDAY

Delight among right-on campaigners that Kleenex has stopped calling its tissues ‘man-sized’ proves short-lived when the company explains that it made the decision because ‘real men don’t cry’.

WEDNESDAY

Researchers who found that only one in three schoolchildren knew that Shakespeare created plays revise their numbers downwards after they are forced to explain to their young interviewees that ‘plays’ are not what you accumulate on YouTube.

THURSDAY

A judge delivers his verdict in the dispute between eBay and Amazon – although he actually leaves it with their neighbours as both companies are out at the time. And after legalising cannabis, the Canadian government announces plans to change its flag from the maple leaf to a marijuana leaf.

F RI DAY

The Canadian government becomes lethargic, loses interest in its plans to change its flag, and goes over to the all-night garage to stock up on King-Size Snickers.

SATURDAY

King-Size Snickers are renamed MonarchSize Snickers.