NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TO­DAY!

The Mail on Sunday - - NEWS - Steve Ben­nett

OUR weekly – and very ir­rev­er­ent – look at the sto­ries that just might be break­ing over the com­ing days…

MON­DAY

Po­lice who quizzed an el­derly woman un­der cau­tion for the ‘hate crime’ of honk­ing her car horn launch a zero-tol­er­ance blitz on sim­i­larly se­ri­ous in­frac­tions, in­clud­ing as­sault with a deadly tut, rais­ing an eye­brow in a built-up area, and pos­ses­sion of class A sar­casm with in­tent to sup­ply. And af­ter aca­demics pro­posed a ba­con tax, a glee­ful Ed Miliband is over­heard chuck­ling: ‘Re­venge at last!’

TUES­DAY

Doc­tor Who pro­duc­ers re­spond to fans’ con­cerns the show has be­come too po­lit­i­cally cor­rect by re­veal­ing that clas­sic en­e­mies will be re­turn­ing in the next se­ries, with ex­cit­ing sto­ry­lines fea­tur­ing the Cy­ber­men, the Ice War­riors and the Daleks. How­ever, the Cy­ber­men are choos­ing to live as Cy­ber­women, the Ice War­riors are con­cerned about cli­mate change and the Daleks are cam­paign­ing against the lack of ramps in pub­lic spa­ces.

WED­NES­DAY

Af­ter re­port­ing there are up to 1.2 mil­lion mo­torists with poor eye­sight on Bri­tain’s roads, re­searchers re­veal there are an­other 300,000 on the pave­ments, cen­tral reser­va­tions and in hedgerows.

THURS­DAY

Ousted Per­sim­mon boss Jeff Fair­burn gives an in­ter­view about what he in­tends to do with the con­tro­ver­sial £75mil­lion bonus he’ll be leav­ing with. ‘I’m re­ally go­ing to splash out,’ he says. ‘I’ll be us­ing it as a de­posit on a one-bed­room flat in Cen­tral Lon­don.’

F RI DAY

As they con­tinue to pub­li­cise their forth­com­ing tour, the Spice Girls deny mid­dle age and lu­cra­tive spon­sor­ship deals have com­pro­mised their work, in­sist­ing they al­ways meant to sing: ‘I re­ally, re­ally, re­ally, wanna Zim­mer Zim­mer.’

And Lego-lov­ing Cul­ture Sec­re­tary Jeremy Wright re­veals an­other pas­time that al­lows him to dis­en­gage from the stresses of the real world: be­ing Cul­ture Sec­re­tary.

SATUR­DAY

Af­ter declar­ing ‘sin­gle-use’ to be their word of the year, the com­pil­ers of Collins Dic­tio­nary ad­mit they’ll prob­a­bly throw it out of the book in 2019.

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