NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and very irreverent – look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

SANTA CLAUS’S plans for delivering gifts are thrown into last-minute chaos as his ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ lists contain data obtained in breach of GDPR privacy rules, his zero-hours contracts for elves are deemed unlawful, and a rogue drone stops his sleigh from taking off. MANCHESTER United reveal that Jose Mourinho’s downfall was his pledge that the team would be ‘top 4 by Christmas’. An insider says: ‘They didn’t even record a festive single, let alone outsell Ariana Grande.’

TUESDAY

THE makers of Monopoly say sales of the Fortnite edition have been so strong this Christmas because two weeks is a lot less time than it normally takes to finish a game.

WEDNESDAY

A FULLY comprehensive expert analysis of Jeremy Corbyn’s lip movements is completed, and proves that he has never said anything at all that constitutes a credible policy on Europe.

THURSDAY

VIAGRA makers Pfizer say they are launching a joint venture with Glaxosmithkline, which makes Horlicks, because not all of its customers want to be up all night.

FRIDAY

THE Labour Party finally expels disgraced MP Fiona Onasanya, who compared herself to Christ after being convicted for perverting the course of justice. Not because she consistently lied to get out of a speeding ticket, but because if she’s Jesus, then she must be Jewish. AFTER Thomas Markle’s complaint that he’s been ‘ghosted’ by the Royal Family, Anne Boleyn makes contact to say: ‘#MeToo.’