QUOTES of the week

‘The very poorest type of employee is a British one. Full stop.’ Cafe manager Jullian Preston-Powers explains why he tries to avoid hiring UK staff. ‘The driver stated he swerved to avoid an octopus. He is currently in custody on suspicion of drug driving.’ Police tweet after a car was found upside-down in a ditch – two miles from the coast. ‘This ginger guy just took my parking spot. It made me sooo angry so I headbutted Ronald McDonald… feel a lot better now.’ Comedian Dom Joly reveals his own Liam Neeson-style lack of anger management. ‘You didn’t even bother to shake hands... you had wonderful, open and, how can I put this, energetic, athletic relationships with all kinds of people.’ Newsreader Moira Stuart, 69, who has never married, reveals a hectic love life in her younger years. ‘I’ve been wondering what that special place in hell looks like, for those who promoted Brexit, without even a sketch of a plan how to carry it out safely.’ European Council President Donald Tusk sparks a row after the latest talks on Britain’s EU exit. ‘If it comes to hostilities, will the French surrender before the Italians retreat?’ A reader of the usually impeccably politically correct Guardian comments on the diplomatic war between Italy and France. ‘The sofa is crammed, like a chapel pew, with English actors telling their juiciest genitalia stories while the host sniggers in a three-piece suit.’ Actress Maureen Lipman’s verdict on TV chat shows. ‘They all seem to come from one part of the world, so we shopped pretty well. We definitely went to Waitrose and not Lidl.’ England rugby coach Eddie Jones jokes about the superb performances by three players of Pacific heritage in his team’s Six Nations win over Ireland.