QUOTES of the week

‘At least we could have watched the Speaker being forced to eat a kangaroo testicle.’

Boris Johnson

likens Parliament to reality TV show I’m A Celebrity…

‘I don’t want to look like Nigel Lawson. That’s no insult to Nigel Lawson, but when he went on a really serious diet his face collapsed.’

Broadcaster Jenni Murray insists that, at 69, she is happy to weigh nearly 14st.

‘There’s a long line of dodgy men in my family. That’s why I’m such a feminist, trying to redress the sins of the fathers.’

Author Scarlett Freud, whose ancestors include Sigmund and Clement Freud.

‘And the winner is… a mouse eating a Tescobought apple, on astro turf in a goldfish tank.’

Twitter user is unhappy that a staged photograph won the £1,000 top prize in a contest organised by Countryfile.

‘This daughter of immigrants needs no lectures from the North London metropolitan liberal elite.’

Brexiteer Home Secretary Priti Patel hits back at critics who say that voting to leave the EU was fuelled by racism.

‘It was conducted incompetently, negligently, and almost with institutional stupidity.’

Geoffrey Robertson QC condemns Operation Midland, Scotland Yard’s bungled investigation into an alleged VIP child sex ring.

‘It is what we in the staff room at the end of a long day called the “transtrender problem”.’

Clarissa Farr, the former head of top girls’ school St Paul’s, believes that more pupils are now identifying as transgender in an attempt to be rebellious.

‘It’s like a tea bag. You don’t know how good it is till you put hot water in.’

Eddie Jones, England’s rugby coach, on his team’s chances of winning the World Cup in Japan.