NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Fears that the Queen’s Speech will be turned into a party political broadcast heighten after the Tories announce the first piece of legislation she will unveil is the Humiliate The Dangerous Trotskyist Lunatic Jeremy Corbyn At The Ballot Box Bill (2019). A new hosepipe ban comes into force – but only for those members of Extinction Rebellion who don’t know how to use the things.

TUESDAY

After a former headmaster of Eton complained about politician old boys such as Boris Johnson giving the school a bad name, Sixtus Dominic Boniface Christopher Rees-Mogg says: ‘I know what you mean, mate…’

WEDNESDAY

After one of his paintings showing MPs as chimpanzees sold for almost £10 million, Banksy reveals a new batch of highly original, cuttingedge satires in which he imaginatively depicts MEPs as pigs with their snouts in the trough, Brexiteers as turkeys voting for Christmas and businessmen as smug fat cats. The Royal Family face a backlash as commentators criticise them for not wearing black ties following the death of Peter Sissons.

THURSDAY

The inventor of autocorrect reacts to the news that his technology makes it possible to type as quickly on a mobile phone as on a keyboard. ‘This is amassing newts,’ he said. ‘A real father in my cup.’

F RI DAY

President Trump revives his plans for a moat filled with snakes and crocodiles – in his latest bid to stop Melania leaving him. After floods battered Britain, the researchers who found that living near water is good for mental health seem to go very quiet.

SATURDAY

The Royal Shakespeare Company unveils its first new season of plays after signing fresh sponsors to replace BP. On sale now are Hamlet, Prince Of Primark; Antony and Renault Cliopatra; and Coriolanusol.