NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Deciding whether to grant a Brexit delay, EU chiefs say they didn’t mind Boris Johnson’s three-letter ploy for getting around the Benn Act, since it makes a change from his usual four-letter response.
The Government announces it is offering payday loan firm QuickQuid financial assistance to stop it pulling out of the UK – at a very reasonable 1,300 per cent APR.
TUESDAY
Fears about the ageing prison population intensify after officers intercept contraband heading into Strangeways: Sanatogen, Midsomer Murders DVDs and packets of Werther’s Original.
After Corby in Northamptonshire is named the least happy place to live in the UK, its mayor declares: ‘I’m not very happy about that…’
WEDNESDAY
Financial woes at hairdressing chain Supercuts are blamed on its accountants, who meekly muttered: ‘That’s great, thanks,’ when a mirror was held up to its disappointing figures.
The scientists who found that rats are more relaxed behind the wheels of their tiny electric cars finally admit that, yes, they did misunderstand the brief to conduct important research into the stresses of the rat race.
THURSDAY
Halloween, and Britain is haunted by the spectre of that which exists in the sinister netherworld halfway between life and death: Boris’s EU Withdrawal Bill.
Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn is frightened to his core of encountering the terrifying apparition that haunts his every nightmare: voters.
F RI DAY
After Coldplay announced the tracks of their latest album in the classified advertising section of a local newspaper, Kajagoogoo’s Limahl reveals his next project via the window of his nearest newsagent: ‘Singing lessons, £15.’
SATURDAY
A new album is released today, Now That’s What I Call Christmas Election Music!, featuring such festive hits as It’s Beginning To Look Ballot Like Christmas; Fairytale Of New Labour, Little DUPer Boy, Baby It’s Cold Outside (The Customs Union) and Walking In A Swinson Wonderland.