QUOTES of the week

‘Princes are not shipped over here when no useful duties can be found for them on the other side of the Atlantic.’

Canada’s top newspaper The Globe and Mail tells Harry and Meghan they are not welcome.

‘I feel like Tom without Jerry. Mick without a Keef.’

Noel Fielding tweets after his Bake Off co-host Sandi Toksvig says she is quitting the show.

‘The attacker was shouting, “Allahu akbar.” What do they think motivated him – anger about the temperature of the porridge?’

Clare Foges, political commentator and former speechwriter for David Cameron, on the Met’s ultra-cautious approach to linking attacks on Whitemoor prison staff to Islamic extremism.

‘OK cancer, you chose the wrong girl.’

BBC podcast presenter Deborah James as she reveals she is free of the disease after previously being told her condition was incurable.

‘Satan’s franchise.’

Nickname given to the only branch of Greggs in Cornwall after it tried to sell the county’s famous pasties. It has now closed.

‘Since acquiring the character end-terrace property, our clients have spent neither time, effort nor expense transforming it.’

Estate agent advert in the Yorkshire town of Ilkley.

‘Tumbleweed. Not a single book sold today. £0.00. Think this must be the first time ever.’

Bookshop in Petersfield, Hampshire, sparks a rush of new orders after this tweet about a miserable day of trading.

‘Mummy & Daddy… please look at ME when I am feeding. I am much more interesting than your phone!’

Yeovil District Hospital neo-natal unit staff provoke anger among parents by putting up posters telling them to put away their mobile devices.