NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
Seasoned Royal-watchers pore over Prince Harry’s latest Instagram post to see if they can detect any hint of a hidden message in the music he chose, which includes I Want To Break Free, We’ve Gotta Get Out Of This Place and the little-known Ibiza dancefloor-filler Daddy Can I Have Some More Money From The Duchy Please?
The BBC denies using clickbaitstyle headlines to lure a younger audience to its website, in an online article entitled: ‘Cute cats! Kim Kardashian naked! Get rich from Bitcoin! You won’t BELIEVE these reasons why Lord Hall DESTROYS his critics.’
TUESDAY
As anger continues to fill the streets of Tehran, with protesters burning effigies of British ambassador Rob Macaire, one major question remains: who on earth sells effigies of Rob Macaire?
Meanwhile, after hearing that the Supreme Leader had badmouthed him again, Donald Trump orders an air strike against Diana Ross.
WEDNESDAY
After finding cows have the ability to communicate effectively, researchers say they cannot be sure whether the same is true for their next subjects: Labour leadership candidates.
Ant McPartlin says he’s happy to pay £31 million in his divorce settlement, just as long as he gets to keep custody of Dec.
THURSDAY
After pictures emerged of a Love Island contestant posing with the spoils of a big game hunt, activists say these beautiful if slow-witted beasts are not just lumps of meat to be used as Instagram fodder. Nor are the buffalo.
Following the release of a candle that smells like her vagina, Gwyneth Paltrow launches a new product to deal with the burning sensation.
FRIDAY
The teenager who passes out every time she laughs is found safe and well in the studio audience for Keith Lemon’s Celebrity Juice.
SATURDAY
On TV’s latest reality show, a judge gushes: ‘Those nifty moves were mar-vel-lous. You really went for the prize with grace and guile… for me it’s a nine. That’s nine years, eligible for parole after four-and-a-half, for 73 counts of pickpocketing.’ Not that letting cameras into courtrooms for the first time has trivialised the legal process, the judiciary insists.