NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly – and highly irreverent – look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson tries to summon the defiant spirit of his hero Winston Churchill as post-Brexit trade talks with the US begin. Insisting he will make no concessions on the import of chlorine-washed chickens, he declares: ‘We shall fight them on the bleaches…’ The funeral of Nicholas Parsons is brought to a dramatic halt when the priest says ‘ashes to ashes’ – and is instantly challenged for repetition.

TUESDAY

As the Government prepares to make a decision on the future of HS2, bosses reluctantly agree to curb the project’s ballooning costs. ‘It’s a real shame,’ says one downcast executive. ‘Because we all really love going ballooning.’

WEDNESDAY

Undeterred by the poor reaction to his Middle East peace proposals, Donald Trump attempts an even tougher deal to bring two intractable warring sides together: Phillip Schofield and Ruth Langsford.

THURSDAY

John Bercow’s memoirs are published. But they are available now on pre-ORDER, pre-ORDER.

F RI DAY

After reports that Lord Lucan is living as a Buddhist in Australia are dismissed, attention now turns to the theory that he’s alive and well and inside the Octopus suit on The Masked Singer. The first Amazon driver to be taught how to deliver CPR makes a fatal error when he gets no response and tries a neighbour instead.

SATURDAY

The Tate boss who insisted the £40,000 salary he offered for a ‘head of coffee’ was the going rate still refuses to acknowledge that he might just have got the jobs of ‘barista’ and ‘barrister’ mixed up.