NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Amid ongoing nationwide shortages of toilet paper, one supermarket boss admits: ‘We’re wiped out.’ And hand sanitiser becomes so rare it’s now the second most expensive liquid on the planet – after printer ink.

In the United States, President

Donald Trump shows he’s getting really serious on coronavirus by appointing a panel of top-notch medical experts to tackle the issue: Dr Pepper, Dr Seuss and Dr Dre.

TUESDAY

Also to curb the spread of disease, large assemblies of people are banned in the UK, so Jeremy Corbyn’s leaving party will be fine. And the Beatles song I Wanna Hold Your Hand is outlawed as hate speech.

WEDNESDAY

Nasa experts who grew lettuce in space say: ‘It IS rocket science.’

The NHS bows to pressure to stop calling overweight patients ‘fat’. Medics will now use the term ‘morbidly cuddly’.

THURSDAY

Parrots that can make decisions based on probability are taught the phrase: ‘Who’s a pretty boy then? And what are the chances I am more than two standard deviations above the mean beauty coefficient? Show your working.’

F RI DAY

Hackers who targeted Boots loyalty card holders admit trying to gain an unfair Advantage.

SATURDAY

A man in Texas who filmed himself licking ice cream and putting the carton back into a supermarket freezer pleads mitigating circumstances, claiming he has 99 problems.