NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson reveals that Carrie had to talk him out of the name he wanted for his new son: Winston Brexitus De Pfeffel Wiff- Waff Mugwump Captain Tom Huzzah Johnson-Symonds.

After t h e P r i me Mi n i s t e r described Covid-19 as ‘the invisibl e mugger’, Matt Hancock explains that’s why he was fighting it with ‘invisible PPE’.

TUESDAY

In trying to plan a timetable to ease lockdown, Ministers combine recommendations from the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies and from the Official National Immunology Outbreak Network. Between them, Sage and Onion agree we’re stuffed.

New research reveals why the old- fashioned pirates died out. Their Arrrr-number got too high.

WEDNESDAY

Police defend their decision to stop a family of musicians playing classical tunes on their driveway, saying they were told to make domestic violins a priority.

At his first Prime Minister’s Questions after recovering from Covid19, Boris Johnson is described as ‘full of vim’, prompting President Donald Trump to say: ‘I told you it would work.’

As Archie Mountbatten-Windsor turns one, it’s hoped that he will soon be able to stand on his own two feet. The same goes for his parents.

THURSDAY

Last week’s research that found the England football team’s record for scoring penalties isn’t as bad as reputed, is deemed ‘wide of the mark’. Which is apt.

Since attempting to quell death rumours by releasing new images of Kim Jong-un, North Korea’s state news agency concedes he was briefly Kim Jong-unwell but never got properly Kim Jong-ill and is certainly not in a Kim Jong-urn.

Scientists say they first suspected that honeybees were also being affected by a virus as they kept coming out in hives.

F RI DAY

After Theresa May is revealed to have made £1million from speaking engagements, Major Charles Ingram complains that even he never made that much from public coughing. And Boris Johnson vows to do all he can to flatten the curve as the nation faces being overwhelmed with an exponentially growing number of lockdown-related podcasts.

SATURDAY

While the Premier League continues to discuss how to bring football back, Sky Sports snaps up the rights to the most competitive event still going on: the clap for carers every Thursday.

In response to Emma Thompson’s all- vegan film for Extinction Rebellion, Hollywood hits back with a raft of remakes targeting the same market: Citizen Kale, Quorn On The Fourth Of July, Soy Story and The Imitation Grain, with Benedict Cucumberpatch.