NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Zoos open, but the bars stay closed.

Confused protesters trash a branch of Superdrug because of its links with the salve trade.

TUESDAY

Huawei releases its new phone with a host of new features such as Xi-fi compatibility (it’s compatible will all the fictions spread by President Xi); photo sharing (whether you want your photos shared or not); and autocorrect (any dissenting views about Tibet, Tiananmen Square or Hong Kong will be ‘corrected’).

WEDNESDAY

Donald Trump vows to combat the Seattle anarchists who set up the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (Chaz) with his own force, Donald’s Anti-Violence Elite (Dave).

THURSDAY

Prince Andrew agrees to appear on the next series of Celebrity

Mastermind… as long as he doesn’t have to answer questions and can submit a written statement instead.

The archaeologist jailed for falsifying artefacts laments that his career is in ruins. So no change there.

F RI DAY

Astronomers finally figure out what the incomprehensible bursts of radio waves they detected were: episodes of Melvyn Bragg’s In Our Time.

Boris Johnson’s assertion that ‘you can’t edit the past’ is disproved by the revision history of Dominic Cummings’s blog posts.

SATURDAY

As new Kitemark labels guaranteeing the quality of honey are introduced, standards bosses say: ‘It means no one should get stung again.’

The man who changed his name to Mr Fire Exit starts trolling people on Twitter, safe in the knowledge he can’t be blocked.