NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

After some senior politicians were pictured with face masks and some without, No 10 insists that there is just one message: Ministers will always ensure their own backsides are covered.

Boris Johnson continues to insist Britain can look forward to a normal Christmas – everyone trapped indoors with their families with nothing to do because everything is closed.

Following complaints that it will take until 2027 to remove Huawei from Britain’s mobile phone network, Ministers insist it’s still quicker than getting out of a standard Vodafone contract.

Scientists announce more new star signs: Credulus, the sign of the gullible; Corona, sign of the socially distant; and Sekonda, sign of the times.

Stores are accused of naked profiteering after hiking the price of plain white T-shirts, tea towels and plates and claiming they are ‘timeless souvenirs of Princess Beatrice’s secret Royal wedding’.

Donald Trump riles critics by again endorsing a brand of beans in the Oval Office. Not to everyone’s taste for being unsophisticated, unhealthy and covered in orange gloop, Mr Trump is standing for re-election in November.

Twitter fears a second hacking attack after yet more high-profile accounts offer ridiculously large amounts of free money. But the alert is lowered once it’s revealed to be Rishi Sunak making more policy announcements.

Pizza Express say they had no choice but to close 75 branches after the lockdown decimated demand for dubious alibis.

Cadbury’s say they reduced the size of their chocolate bars after getting the OK from a focus group of George Michael fans. They said they could all bear less Wispa.