NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
The Government’s Covid testing regime is thrown into chaos as thousands of people are allowed to appeal their results.
Gavin Williamson downgrades Bayern Munich’s surprise 8-2 victory over Barcelona on Friday to a 1-0 defeat.
But the Scottish Government insists its change of heart over exam grades should not be seen as a humiliating U-turn, rather as the humiliating C-turn it was initially predicted to be.
TUESDAY
Dozens of migrant boats intercepted in the English Channel turn out to be returning British holidaymakers trying to avoid quarantine.
Meanwhile, Home Secretary Priti Patel denies she’s over-reacting in using police, the Navy, Border Force and HM Coastguard in her latest tough crackdown against the scourge of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
WEDNESDAY
After 300 staff supplying sandwiches to a leading food store complained of an intensely seared dermis nestling atop a robust tussis, paired with an olfactory reduction, medics knew it wasn’t just coronavirus – but Marks &
Spencer coronavirus. They couldn’t just say hot skin, persistent cough and losing the sense of smell, could they?
Meanwhile, Russian scientists insists their new Covid vaccine is safe, having tested it on several Salisbury residents during a recent sightseeing trip.
THURSDAY
Yet more dinosaurs are discovered on the Isle of Wight. Which seems a harsh way of describing people who still can’t programme the Sky+.
This year’s GCSE results are out, and are immediately hailed as ‘remarkable’. In that they will all have to be ‘marked’ again.
F RI DAY
After Donald Trump is told he can’t have his face – either of them – on Mount Rushmore, he tries again at Ayers Rock/Uluru, since that’s a better match for his skin tone.
The vicar using chopsticks to give out bread at communion because of Covid fears is told her disrespect for tradition is wonton.
SATURDAY
Lidl shoppers back the checkout assistant who sings opera in stores, after some critics said she scared them with her vocal showing-off. Supporters say they like the unexpected frighten in the bragging aria.