NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

After the Daily Mail revealed that Boris Johnson has been holidaying in a tent on a windswept Scottish cliff edge, he insists it’s ‘worldbeating’ accommodation.

Ministers say they are not too concerned about grade inflation, despite 26 per cent of this year’s GCSE pupils getting the highest rankings. Or, as one A* maths pupil put it, ‘that’s more than half’.

TUESDAY

Undercover intelligence suggests that the Belarus protesters will make mincemeat out of the regime. At least that’s what the Minsk spies say.

Russia’s coronavirus cases top the million mark, making it the nation’s second-biggest cause of serious illness after ‘drinking tea while being a Putin critic’.

Swansea City say they took the decision to take the name of their gambling-firm sponsor off the back of their shirts, after the bookies took the shirts off the backs of their fans.

WEDNESDAY

Highways England boss Jim O’Sullivan says he’s devastated to have to stand down amid the smart-motorways controversy and really needs a hard shoulder to cry on… but can’t find one.

Meanwhile, plans to allow self-driving cars on the motorways are to be put before a steering committee.

After being arrested for alleged fraud involving a dodgy border wall, Donald Trump’s associate Steve Bannon asks for 12 other off-fences to be taken into consideration.

THURSDAY

Disney introduces its first bisexual characters, angering traditionalists who say it’s a step too far. ‘Love is between a man and a woman,’ said one. ‘Or a man and a half-woman-half-fish. Or a woman and a weird buffalo/bull/ wolf beast. Or a tentacled-gorgoncyclops and lime green spherical one-eyed monster. But not this.’

F RI DAY

After a factory malfunction caused chocolate rain in Switzerland, Britain prepares for lemon drizzle.

Boffins launch an app that tells you when you’ve had too much to drink, or ‘The Wife’, as it’s called.

SATURDAY

After a playground slide is given Grade II listed status, heritage experts ask what it means. ‘It’s a slippery slope,’ says one.