NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly, tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days.
MONDAY
Boris Johnson repeats calls for Britain to get back to office work, as it becomes increasingly obvious that the world’s sixth-largest powerhouse economy is built largely on the sale of takeout lattes.
After quitting the Intelligence and Security Committee, Chris ‘Failing’ Grayling walks into a Jobcentre, only to be told: ‘It’s a bank holiday, we’re closed. And we’re a butcher’s anyway. And your trousers are on backwards.’
Ministers slam Extinction Rebellion for its plan to bring Britain to a standstill this bank holiday, saying that’s the job of the Highways Agency.
TUESDAY
Researchers who found that children had fewer tantrums during the lockdown say the same doesn’t apply to Home Secretaries.
WEDNESDAY
Under Covid restrictions, EastEnders resumes filming with Perspex screens between its stars. Asked what it’s like to work alongside a cold, hard lump of plastic you can see right through, one actor said: ‘Danny Dyer’s not that bad.’
After Alexa is taught to understand a huge range of regional slang, Amazon’s personal assistant still seems to have trouble with the phrase: ‘Pay your tax.’
The farmer who bought Britain’s most
expensive sheep complains that he’s been fleeced. THURSDAY
The report into the Army’s use of tanks is published, concluding that the fleet is so expensive to run because one general keeps issuing spontaneous and involuntary orders for new revolving guns to go on top of the Challengers. He’s subsequently diagnosed with Turrets Syndrome.
F RI DAY
After the new list of popular baby names is released, parents are warned of the perils of being influenced by pop culture. ‘It can backfire,’ says Oxford University’s emeritus professor of demographic psychology, Jedward Vengaboy Crazyfrog Smythe.
As Britain prepares to introduce devices to jam drones, it’s hoped the technology will be in place before the speeches at the next Labour Party conference.
The latest move to curb drink-driving fails as it’s found that cars fitted with ‘alco-locks’ can be opened with a ‘whis-key’.
SATURDAY
After splitting from Alfie Boe, his wife Sarah says she’s going to set up an enclosure for stray dogs. She looks as if she’s lost a tenor and found a pound.
As Wetherspoons faces a ketchup shortage, observers say that was easy to predict in Heinz sight.