NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly tongue-in-cheek look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Doctors say they diagnosed Donald Trump with Covid-19 after realising that he’d lost his sense of taste. The gold elevators were a dead giveaway.

Meanwhile, the White House says the President’s hospital stay is due to an ‘abundance of caution’, adding: ‘We have the best caution, probably the best caution anybody’s ever seen in the history of this country. Everybody’s saying how great our caution is, except the failing fake news media.’

TUESDAY

The Government issues a new range of posters to clear up confusion over its coronavirus rules once and for all. Examples of the unambiguous new wording include: ‘Meeting more than five people: fine. Singing in pubs: fine.’

After it was revealed that Covid-carrying MP Margaret Ferrier visited a gift shop on the day she was tested, she said: ‘I just wanted to pick up a little something and take it home to share with the family.’

There is continued disbelief that Jeremy Corbyn attended a dinner party with eight other people – who knew he still had that many friends?

WEDNESDAY

After an Irish court declared its sandwiches were too full of sugar to be classed as bread, Subway says it will appeal to the Master of the Rolls.

THURSDAY

As the Bank of England considers the possibility of less than zero interest, Channel 4 presenter Steph McGovern says: ‘I know what they’re going through…’

FRIDAY

Priti Patel denies that the floating anti-migrant barriers she mooted for the English Channel were to be called the ‘proud buoys’.

After authorities introduce plans to charge fees to climb an overcrowded Snowdon, walkers are told it’ll be cheaper off-peak.

SATURDAY

The planning official who rejected Bob Geldof’s scheme for a pond inspired by great Impressionist art explains her decision in an official report, entitled: ‘I’ll tell you why I don’t like Monets.’