NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Britain’s Brexit envoys say they knew last-minute talks were doomed over dinner, when Ursula von der Leyen demanded 80 per cent of Boris Johnson’s fish course.

In the face of No Deal, negotiators start urgent talks over alternative imports of apples, crisps, crackers, carrot sticks and granola in what has been described as a series of crunch meetings.

TUESDAY

After his much-mocked attempt to weep on TV, Matt Hancock says Britain should by now be used to forced tiers that are unrealistic and lack credibility.

Kay Burley insists she hasn’t been suspended by Sky News for flouting Covid rules, but is currently enjoying an ‘Australiastyle’ deal with the cameras.

WEDNESDAY

Motorists making a turn into Birmingham’s new Equality Road are reminded to follow the Highway Code: mirror, virtue signal, manoeuvre. Meanwhile, the council gives more streets the beautiful, evocative names of Compliance Crescent, Corporate Governance Grove and Core Values Boulevard.

Confused Isle of Wight residents are left scratching their heads over the appearance of another futuristic, shiny metallic object they believe must have some cosmic mystical significance… until a mainlander tells them it’s an iPhone 4.

THURSDAY

Investigators probing who might be behind the microwave attacks on US embassies wonder if it’s Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, or No 1 suspect Xi Jin-PING!

Football chiefs say that despite finding that fans’ singing offered no home advantage, they’d still like to reopen stadiums as ‘chants would be a fine thing’.

Dominic Cummings is named joke of the year.

FRIDAY

After breakdancing is made an Olympic sport, Britain’s No 1 says: ‘I’m head over heels.’

Irony-loving Ikea bosses explain they are no longer making a printed catalogue, because it’s just too difficult to put together.

SATURDAY

The first scene is released of the new Indiana Jones film, featuring a 79-year-old Harrison Ford very slowly trying to outpace a giant rolling rock in his stairlift.