NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Witnesses who saw the Prime Minister cycling seven miles from his Downing Street home express surprise that he made such progress given his record of U-turns and back-pedalling.

TUESDAY

Although the new ‘Brazilian’ strain of coronavirus has sparked much tittering from those who associate the word with bikini lines, scientists say the real obstacle to combating it will come from anti-waxxers.

WEDNESDAY

Jacob Rees-Mogg doubles down on his claim that fish in UK waters are British and happy about it by claiming some have even adopted our rigid class structure. ‘They know they’re plaice,’ he said.

Britannia apologises for not ruling the waves as promised, but says she was too busy organising her village Nativity trail.

THURSDAY

Priti Patel says the wipin’ of police records wasn’t so bad as it only affected ‘twoty-thousand and thirty-four, nine and umpteen hundred’ files.

Mills & Boon announces a second book from the Duchess of York. Downmarket, old-fashioned and more than a little salacious, the former Royal has nevertheless been welcomed into the publishing house.

F RI DAY

The White House aide seen taking a head-and-shoulders statue of Abraham Lincoln out of the West Wing last week explains that he was responding to Donald Trump’s desire to get his hands on an impressive bust.

Wayne Rooney starts his managerial career at Derby County, confounding critics who were sure his next club would be Spearmint Rhino.

SATURDAY

The world’s first empathetic robot develops problems, with scientists saying they knew something was amiss when they spotted an unexpected item in the emotional baggage area.