NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
After Gwyneth Paltrow complains that Covid gave her ‘brain fog’, medics wonder how she could possibly have had coronavirus since 1998.
TUESDAY
Organisers of the Ivor Novello songwriting award say this year’s accolade will go to whoever can get ‘two World Wars and one World Cup and an efficient nationwide programme of mass vaccination against the Sars-CoV-2 virus’ into a football chant.
WEDNESDAY
In his Budget speech, Rishi Sunak announces a rise for NHS workers. They will now get two claps a week.
Brussels complains that Britain’s threat to block imports of bottled water is a l’eau blow.
THURSDAY
The unexploded bomb found at Exeter University is finally removed, providing yet another example of a boomer being cancelled on campus. that the Queen gave baby Archie an expensive American wafflemaker for his birthday, after being asked to buy something that would always remind him of Meghan.
One online shopper complains that the ‘unisex jacket’ she ordered on Amazon turned out to be the new gender-neutral Mr Potato Head.
F RI DAY
After laying down strict rules on what materials can be used to construct statues, the London Mayor’s taskforce on memorials is forced to deny its members are anti-cementic.
Amid a boom in computergenerated art, a new gallery opens up and features work by Roboticelli, IBMbrandt, Salvador Dell-i, and A. I. Weiwei.
SATURDAY
After the Perseverance rover reports the surface of Mars is wildly uneven and strewn with jagged rocks, the International Cricket Council approves it as a future Test pitch.
Meanwhile, the Nasa professor surveying the planet from his flat in Lewisham says it’s a barren, desolate place with a toxic atmosphere… but it’s the only place in London he can afford.