NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!
OUR weekly, irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…
MONDAY
The investigation by Buckingham Palace into which member of the Royal Family asked about Archie’s skin colour draws a blank, as everyone insists they were at Pizza Express in Woking at the time.
Meanwhile, Meghan’s critics say she was right to compare herself to Disney’s Little Mermaid, as there’s definitely something fishy about her tale.
TUESDAY
As British cycling is enveloped by a new drug scandal, investigators say they are amazed there are so many peddlers in the sport.
The Government reveals further details of its planned legislation to make white goods last longer. The proposal to stop boringly functional items that quickly become unfit for purpose from being sent to the scrapheap get a very enthusiastic response from Sir Keir Starmer…
WEDNESDAY
After the man who invented the cassette died, his executors prove remarkably efficient at simultaneously informing the newspapers of his passing, quietly expressing thanks to God for his life and filling in his death certificate. After all, it was his mantra: ‘Press, pray and record at the same time.’
The risque titles left among the children’s books in a village’s phone-box library are revealed to be Spot The Dogger, The Wind In The Willies and The Tale of Rampant Rabbit.
THURSDAY
NHS medics publish detailed research into the effectiveness of the new internal cameras that come in pill form… but patients say they find it very hard to swallow.
Producers of the forthcoming stage musical based on Netflix chess drama The Queen’s Gambit reveal its title: Oh, What A Knight!
F RI DAY
The art lover who last week bought a piece of art for $69 million, even though it doesn’t physically exist, says he was inspired by the NHS Test And Trace system.
Nottinghamshire’s first ‘dog detective’ says she’ll follow every lead, hound every suspect and collar every criminal, as that’s the leash she can do to end their unfurgiving reign of terrier. And if you’re pupset that your pet has gone walkies, her unit will try to retriever or find out who would pinscher. Cur-ritics say the ap-pointer-ment is a mastiff waste of money, out of all propawsion to the mutt-er in hand, but watchdogs say it’s too soon to say howl she’ll fare.