NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Britain is united in sadness at the realisation of what the Duke of Edinburgh’s passing will mean for the nation: Nicholas Witchell on telly all week.

Meanwhile, Twitter is awash with inappropriate jokes about Prince Philip, causing widespread offence. It’s what he would have wanted.

MONDAY

Reopening after months of lockdown, barbers find themselves facing a new crisis: how to talk to customers, now that asking ‘Going anywhere nice this year?’ is a no-no.

And formal driving lessons resume, coming as a blessing to the Government that has spent the past year practising U-turns.

TUESDAY

After disclosing that there are more billionaires than ever, Forbes magazine reveals the most likely ways to make such a fortune: invent a dating or gambling app, create a successful cryptocurrency, or become ‘lead strategist for creative wellness provision and integrated engagement’ at a mid-sized county council.

WEDNESDAY

California police officers who responded to nine callouts at Harry and Meghan’s mansion in as many months say they must have installed the alarms themselves, because they appear to be very easily triggered…

Scientists claiming a breakthrough in explaining why the universe is a lot more massive than expected are ordered to stop fat-shaming the cosmos.

THURSDAY

Consumer groups report a huge rise in dodgy texts seeking to extract money, saying they come from two main sources: bogus Post Office employees claiming to have your parcel, or ex-Prime Ministers seeking special treatment on the sly.

Heinz ramps up production in the face of a possible ketchup shortage, according to a reliable sauce.

F RI DAY

Waitrose explains that there are two reasons why it is no longer selling shoe polish – fewer faceto-face business meetings and no more demand from Little Britain’s make-up department.