NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Keir Starmer admits he failed to get his political convictions across to voters – and promises to rectify that just as soon as a focus group tells him exactly what those convictions are.

Scottish nationalists celebrate after Boris Johnson said an independence referendum would be ‘irresponsible and reckless’ – since that is the sort of thing he approves of.

TUESDAY

French fishermen say they don’t fear legal action over their blockade of Jersey, as it was clearly a crime of poisson.

WEDNESDAY

Microsoft founder Bill Gates and his wife Melinda cancel their divorce. It turns out that all the problems in their marriage got fixed when they turned it off and back on again.

The reviews are in for Meghan’s children’s book The Bench. Critics say it’s wooden.

THURSDAY

News of the ant being given a gender-neutral name comes as a big surprise to Dec.

FRIDAY

Police detain another suspicious, shady character lurking in the grounds of Windsor Castle – it turns out to be Prince Andrew.

SATURDAY

MI5 denies claims it bugged the reggae group UB40, but are suspiciously silent about whether there was a rat in their kitchen.

After the International Space Station was used to age wine, grow pak choi and debut the new Coldplay single, astronauts fear the lowEarth orbit is becoming too middle-class.