NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days...

MONDAY

Priti Patel reveals more details of plans to force criminals to take on the sort of unpleasant, souldestroying jobs no one else wants to do, like clearing litter, scrubbing graffiti and being permanent secretary at the Home Office.

The RNLI is called out to rescue another poor soul seen floundering in choppy waters after getting in over their head – Nigel Farage.

TUESDAY

After becoming envious of all the positive headlines garnered by the reunion of ‘Bennifer’ couple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, Boris Johnson insists that in future he and Carrie should be known by a similar portmanteau: ‘Barrie.’

Following the revelation that half our warships are out of action, the Navy insists the other one is fine.

WEDNESDAY

As the new Marble Arch Mound is slammed as disappointing, litter-strewn, choked by traffic and ridiculously overpriced, the architects say that at least it’s in keeping with the rest of London.

Meanwhile, there’s surprise that the North Wales landscape has been given Unesco World Heritage status, as it’s always been so heavily slated.

THURSDAY

Amid fears there will not be enough charging points for electric cars in the future, Ministers dash out to B&Q to buy up all the foursocket extension cables.

The oversensitive NHS Covid app ruins the planned return of live opera, as it’s all over when the fat lady pings.

F RI DAY

After the UK is named as one of the nations most likely to survive a collapse of global civilisation, experts say it’s because most people won’t notice any significant difference.

State schools that reintroduce Latin record an immediate boost to their exam grades… after every C gets converted to a perfect 100.

SATURDAY

Actress Ellen Burstyn says she was very excited to be asked to reprise her role in the new Exorcist movie, 50 years after the original. She said: ‘My head’s been spinning ever since.’