NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR WEEKLY irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

While mystery continues to surround forgetful Gavin Williamson’s A-level results, colleagues at the Department for Education note that he gets anxious and agitated every time someone sings ‘four Es a jolly good fellow’.

TUESDAY

In the wake of the David

Cameron lobbying scandal, Britain’s finest political experts remain absolutely baffled as to why Boris Johnson doesn’t act to stop well-connected, moneygrubbing Old Etonians with pliable morals making millions from their status as soon as they stop becoming Prime Minister.

Meanwhile, Boris has defended spending £100,000 of taxpayers’ money on art for 10 Downing Street, saying he had to cover up the hideous Lulu Lytle wallpaper somehow.

WEDNESDAY

Following their protest at the studios the BBC left seven years ago, angry anti-vaxxers march on the home of Prime Minister Harold Macmillan.

The first experiment to deliver broadband through water pipes is abandoned after one village is flooded with emails.

THURSDAY

Prince Andrew is stripped of more of his patronages and – most heartbreaking of all – his membership of the Pizza Express loyalty scheme.

F RI DAY

Studio bosses rethink their plan to move production of the Lord Of The Rings TV series from New Zealand to the UK after discovering the verdant, awe-inspiring scenery they had been promised here turned out to be the Marble Arch mound.

SATURDAY

China reveals a new list of approved karaoke songs after banning those that ‘threatened national unity’. Now amateur singers can choose from Wok This Way, You’re The WonTon I Want, and The Dim Summer Of 69.