NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking this week…

MONDAY

The Scottish government passes legislation meaning anyone going into a nightclub must prove a) their Covid status and b) that they are not Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster.

Priti Patel admits her plan to stop the sale of laughing gas is a compromise – as she originally wanted to ban laughing itself.

TUESDAY

Finally tackling the Afghanistan crisis, Dominic Raab insists he’s asking tough questions of the new Taliban regime. Like: ‘When did you go on holiday?’

A-level exam bosses say anyone who achieves the new top mark being introduced to compensate for grade inflation will officially be a Smart A**.

WEDNESDAY

The Nazi sympathiser ordered to read a Jane Austen novel to avoid jail says he’s read the first few words – and thinks it’s a wonderful sentence.

At a press conference about the new eco-friendly petrol being introduced to forecourts, Boris Johnson is asked about the benefits of E10. ‘Wonderful school,’ he enthuses. ‘Did me the world of good!’

THURSDAY

After Nike closed its global headquarters for a week to give staff a chance to ‘de-stress’, the company changes its slogan to: ‘Just Do It… Or Don’t If You Can’t Be Bothered, What Do We Care?’

The first police officer to be issued with the new genderneutral uniform says he’s furious about the idea. It’s a PC gone mad.

FRIDAY

Auctioneers preparing to put the shredded Banksy artwork back under the hammer say they’re expecting fierce interest from the world’s financial elite: tech billionaires, oligarchs… and Ocado lorry drivers who’ve put in a bit of overtime.

Fire investigators say a blaze at the Tottenham Hotspur ground started in the trophy room, so nothing of value was lost.

SATURDAY

Researchers who found that women are turned on by men who mumble conclude that it’s because the less they hear coming out of their partner’s mouth, the better.