NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Education Secretary Gavin Williamson corners Priti Patel to complain how unfair it was for him to be branded racist for confusing Maro Itoje with Marcus Rashford… until she tells him: ‘Actually, Gavin,

I’m Baroness Warsi.’

As Cabinet reshuffle rumours swirl, ‘Gaffing’ Gavin wonders why everyone’s been emailing him last week’s report about the health effects of having too much time on your hands.

TUESDAY

As he opens a new Specsavers in his constituency, Sir Keir

Starmer is devastated to be told that he simply has no vision.

WEDNESDAY

The Taliban hits back at critics who say its new government is not inclusive, pointing out that it contains both people with long black beards and people with long grey beards.

THURSDAY

Parents express anger that the new Thomas The Tank Engine movie is unrealistic, as it never shows him being sidelined in favour of Robbie The Replacement Bus Service.

Trustees of the charity set up in Winston Churchill’s name deny airbrushing him from the group’s history, as it changes its logo to that nodding dog from the adverts.

FRIDAY

The first pensioner to own one of the newly designed robot companion pets complains that it’s unduly obstinate – so vows that’s the last time she’ll buy a Dogmatic.

Abba stars release the set-list for their comeback concert, including The Zimmer Takes It All; Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Nan Before 6pm); and Does Your Mother Know What I Came Upstairs For?

SATURDAY

The woke Canadian academic who says she’s boycotting ‘oppressive’ upper-case letters denies she’s misunderstood the aims of the anti-capitalist movement.