QUOTES of the week

‘War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. The Penised Individual who raped you is a woman.’

J.K. Rowling invokes Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four as she hits out at Police Scotland for allowing rape suspects to identify as women.

‘The public may be appalled to hear that I can’t send you to jail today.’

District Judge Amanda Kelly after former model Katie Price’s stint in rehab meant she was spared prison for flipping her car while drunk, disqualified from driving and not having insurance.

‘So, you find these scientists who said in early 2018 “I’m going to put horns on horses” and at the end of 2019 a unicorn turns up in Wuhan.’

Scientist Dr Alina Chan tells MPs that a laboratory leak was the more likely cause of the pandemic.

‘Shush! Can you keep it down?’

Hilaria Baldwin reveals actor husband Alec’s comment to her as he took a call while she was in labour with son Rafa.

‘I know it’s difficult to remember but that’s how democracy works. This is not a public health socialist state.’ Tory Joy Morrissey after officials issued grim warnings about people mixing before Christmas. Her tweet was later deleted.

‘It wasn’t all plain sailing. I was locked in with my mother-in-law for 16 days, 11 hours and 36 minutes.’

Singer James Blunt jokingly insists there was a downside to spending so much time at his villa in Ibiza during lockdown.

‘A non-visible style of community policing.’

Avon and Somerset Police’s description of its attendance at a BLM protest in Bristol which resulted in a statue of Edward Colson being toppled.

‘Professor Quiz Whitty and Cheeses of Nazareth.’

Two of the jokey team names at last year’s No10 Christmas quiz that is at the centre of lockdown-busting claims.