NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY

OUR weekly irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Labour pile on more pressure over Tory Christmas parties, safe in the knowledge they’ll never be caught out, given they hate each other far too much to socialise.

But Boris Johnson defends his choice of Simon Case as the best person to investigate the scandal… for who else would have had the brilliant foresight to go undercover at those parties a year before a probe was even launched?

The new Animal Welfare Bill makes its way through Parliament, with octopus and lobster added to the list of creatures able to experience feelings, while Priti Patel is taken off it.

TUESDAY

After cancelling her preChristmas meal, the Queen also scraps her December 25 family dinner – at least that’s what she tells Prince Andrew.

Pizza Express in Woking gets a booking for one on Christmas Day. No sweat, say staff.

WEDNESDAY

Boris Johnson finally starts decorating his tree – after finding a wealthy donor to pay for it.

After selling for a record £20,000, the painting by a pig known as Pigcasso goes on display alongside other work by Boarticelli, David Hogney… and Francis Bacon.

THURSDAY

Dominic Raab goes to carol service to forget about his bungles over Covid numbers, where he leads a chorus of We 7,528 Kings Of Orient Are.

The Scottish hawthorn named tree of the year accepts its award, saying it’ll never forget its roots.

FRIDAY

Boris Johnson scares rebels back into line with a new three-word slogan: ‘Prime. Minister. Truss.’

Santa crash-lands in Lapland – because Rudolph’s guiding red nose is covered by his mask.