NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Boris Johnson reflects on his surprise visit to Ukraine, saying: ‘It’s a dangerous, hostile place, where you have to be ever-vigilant about taking flak that could prove fatal. That’s why I decided not to go to Doncaster and came to Kyiv.’

After learning there’s a vacancy for an ethics adviser at No10, Prince Andrew sends in his CV.

TUESDAY

More legal problems for Priti Patel’s Rwanda plan after one migrant lodges a £500 claim for cancelled flight compensation.

Keir Starmer hits back at persistent criticisms that he is boring – with a 427-slide PowerPoint presentation using post-Marxist discourse analysis techniques. But it is in the Comic Sans font, so that’s something…

WEDNESDAY

As Glastonbury gets under way, festival-goers are urged to watch out for monkeypox. They play the John Peel stage at 4pm tomorrow, between punk anarchists

Tractor Porn and funk outfit MG and The Levelling Up Agenda.

After vowing not to perform

Back In The USSR out of respect for Ukraine, Paul McCartney also retires Day Tripper and Drive My Car, so as not to offend those hit by rail strikes and fuel costs.

THURSDAY

Film-makers say Toy Story’s Woody doesn’t feature in the new Buzz Lightyear film as Tom Hanks thinks the role should now only be played by an actor with the ‘lived experience’ of being a cowboy doll.

FRIDAY

Police catch a rogue beekeeper who stole thousands of the insects in what they hail as a successful sting operation. The crook says he did it for the Nectar points.

Boy George apologises for lashing out at Victoria Beckham for holding him up on a plane, saying he was short-tempered as he was dehydrated after the long flight, and just needed his mineral water. As he’s always sang, he’s calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer come Evian.