NEXT WEEK’S NEWS...TODAY!

OUR weekly irreverent look at the stories that just might be breaking over the coming days…

TODAY

Play continues at Wimbledon with Novak Djokovic on Centre Court, Britain’s Cameron Norrie on No1 Court and Boris Becker in Crown Court.

Nadine Dorries will be there in the stands, cheering for Tom Daley to hit a touchdown in the second innings, and take home the America’s Cup for Arsenal City.

The Sports Secretary also apologises for mixing up rugby’s two codes last week – but says that like most Tories, she just doesn’t recognise unions.

MONDAY

Prince Charles is revealed to have received another bag full of €500 notes, but there is no suggestion of impropriety: that’s how much his Duchy Original biscuits cost.

As Halifax makes great play of allowing staff to display their pronouns on badges, most women plump for ‘he/him’ in the hope of getting on the right side of the bank’s 34 per cent gender pay gap.

TUESDAY

Nicola Sturgeon insists that another Scottish independence referendum is not in conflict with the ‘once in a generation’ pledge of the first, given how short Scottish lifespans are.

After Sesame Street’s Emo combats anti-vaccine disinformation by getting a jab on the show, Sooty remains conspicuously silent.

WEDNESDAY

Doctors threatening strike action march on No 10 with placards demanding… well, it’s hard to say with their handwriting. ‘Butter play and commissions’?

The first NHS scheme offering blood pressure checks in bookies’ shops finds the results very much depend on how that stupid bloody nag did in the 3.45 at Kempton.

THURSDAY

The first person to buy the sandals being hawked by Donald Trump’s former lawyer Rudy Giuliani leaves an online review, saying: ‘Such a cheap, tatty sole that’s not fit for purpose.’ And she wasn’t talking about the flip-flops.

FRIDAY

The new Shakespeare Playhouse on Merseyside announces its opening season: As Youse Like It, Romeo And Our Juliet and All’s Boss That Ends Boss.