NEXT WEEK’S NEWS... TODAY!

OUR irreverent look at some of the stories that might be breaking over the coming days…

MONDAY

Political wonks say it was no surprise that a non-existent Labour MP polled higher than some real members of the Shadow Cabinet, given how popular Labour’s equally non-existent policies are.

TUESDAY

The BBC insists that its plans to run adverts on Radio 4 programmes via streaming platforms will have no effect on the content. However, some titles will be tweaked and listeners can now look forward to enjoying River Island Discs, In Our Timex and the flagship morning broadcast, ToDaewoo.

WEDNESDAY

After his long-term grapples with trans issues, Sir Keir Starmer finally manages to successfully define what a woman is: someone not allowed to join the Garrick Club.

American prosecutors officially charge Apple for running an illegal monopoly. And like all things Apple, they have to charge them again eight hours later.

THURSDAY

MP and GB News presenter Jacob Rees-Mogg re-evaluates all he ever believed after criticising broadcast regulator Ofcom for being ‘old-fashioned’ – and realising that can be a bad thing.

Donald Trump continues his fight to win presidential immunity from his legal woes after his previous attempt at immunity – drinking bleach – failed.

FRIDAY

Scientists developing an exercise pill to replace a daily workout said their main breakthrough was making the lid so tight you end up grunting and groaning to get it off.

After Lidl’s trademark victory with Tesco over its yellow-andblue branding, Ukraine says it would like a word…

SATURDAY

As Britain’s film censors get more relaxed about depictions of drug use on screen,

Hollywood announces a new slate of children’s films: The Flintstoners, Mary Poppers, How To Chase Your Dragon and

Chitty Chitty Bong Bong.