Ground Diary of a Hopper

SATURDAY, MAY 5 Coggeshall Town 3 Stowmarket Town 2

I SHOULD be in Estonia but by a quirk of fate I am still in Little England. This unexpected turn of events means I am available for a match. The Fox comes up with a plan: Coggeshall Town. The Seedgrowers clinched the Eastern Counties League title at Felixstowe on Tuesday and are due to be crowned at home to Stowmarket on Saturday. I am suitably persuaded: East Anglia it is! I collect The Fox in the Hoppermobile on the hottest day of the year so far. Traffic in Essex is very heavy. Nevertheless, I pull up in the West Street car park in plenty of time to settle in and watch events unfold. First up comes the programme. It is a Barnes Print issue for £1.50 and comes with a free colour photo of Coggeshall celebrating their title win at Felixstowe. It’s a nice memento of the day. I pay £6 at the gate and emerge in one corner of the stadium on a raised path. A steep grass bank and concrete steps lead down to a seated stand close to the pitch. Further along in another corner is the clubhouse, changing rooms and BBQ. The area behind the dugouts on the opposite side of the ground is out of bounds. Behind one goal lies a covered terrace while the other end is open. The former is reached by going down the steps, as if entering the pitch, and passing through a wooden gate. It’s a bit of a bun fight to get through the crowd of sunbathing, drinking and eating – the burgers and hotdogs are huge! – fans. I notice an unusually high number of girls excitedly wandering around the ground. The reason for this becomes obvious when I scan the teamsheet handily displayed in a cabinet on the wall: Olly Murs is a substitute for Coggeshall! Mr. Murs is a mystifyingly popular purveyor of ultra-lite, schoolgirl-pleasing pop. He became successful after finishing second in The X Factor TV series, which he also now presents. In other words, he’s a modern celebrity (i.e. popularity inversely proportionate to talent) but he seems a genuinely nice guy, so good luck to him. Stowmarket graciously grant their hosts a Guard of Honour as they come onto the pitch. When the game starts, however, the visitors look in the mood to spoil Coggeshall’s party. They take a much deserved lead but are pegged back by an excellent equaliser. The early second half is a snoozefest and I nearly nod off. Stowmarket fans liven things up with their chant about Olly Murs: “You’re just a s*** Robbie Williams!” Thankfully, the match comes alive after an hour. The Seedgrowers take the lead quickly followed by an equaliser for the visitors. The champions steal an undeserved win in the 82nd minute: that’s why they are champions; play relatively poorly and win. The party starts but I head for the Hoppermobile instead. The aircon is turned up to 11 all the way home... PRE-MATCH INFO: 9, WELCOME: 6, FACILITIES: 6, FOOD: 6, CHARM: 8, PROGRAMME: 7, HOME TEAM RESPECT: 7.5, HOME FANS: 5, MATCH: 6, OVERALL TRIP: 7.5, OFFICIALS: 9, ATT: 407