‘ARRY WOULD’VE GONE BANANAS!
A FRENCH LESSON NEVER TO FORGET
Ireally enjoyed watching Harry’s Heroes, Euro Having A Laugh on ITV. It reminded me of a trip the comics did in 1999 to Paris. Nick Hancock went to a Football Tour Organiser, and ticked the box for “Veteran’s Poor” and asked them to sort out a three-match tour somewhere in Europe. Our team included Arthur Smith and Chris England, who wrote An Evening With Gary Lineker, Mark Billingham, David Baddiel, Andy Taylor, Patrick Marber and Moray Hunter. We played a warm-up game in Aylesbury which we won 6-0, and flew to Paris confident. Well the rest of the lads did. Not me. We used to play every Friday lunchtime at Battersea Park on the astroturf, as comics, we work at night. The Friday before we left I had run into Chris as he’d dropped his shoulder and I had fractured two ribs. I had paid a lot of money to go on the tour, so I wasn’t not going to go.
For our first game, we played Le Guardians Prison Fresnes (Prison Officers), on the night of our arrival. I found myself nominated as manager, on the sidelines. I stood and watched in horror as it became obvious that I was the only defender in the team. We came in at half-time 3-1 down. I went ballistic.
There was nothing else for it, but to bring myself on. I swallowed two codeine, with a third of a bottle of brandy to numb the pain. After an hour we were 5-3 up, and playing well. It was at this moment, Nick Hancock decided to try a back pass to our keeper from inside their half. It was woefully short.
Keep ball
I remember chasing their centre forward, ribs screaming, as he flicked it over Lyndsay, our keeper. The dam broke and as we tired they stuck three more past us to win 7-5. We consoled ourselves with beers late into the night.
Big mistake! Our second game was against US Wissous the very next day. We were taken by coach, to a pitch next to the fence of Orly Airport. There was a gale blowing straight across the airport towards us. It made football very difficult. When the other team ran out, we found out that US Wissous was in fact a football academy, and they had sent their under 18 team. We were all in our mid thirties, muscle weary, and hungover. Their coach obviously told them to go easy on us, as we only lost 4-2. Moray Hunter had been our best player in both matches, but sadly had to return to London after this game for a TV show recording.
The next day was a day off. We went to Bofingers, just off Place De La Bastille, for lunch. If we are ever allowed to travel again I will be heading back there! Dave Baddiel ordered steak tartare for a starter. When it arrived he looked at the pile of minced steak with a raw quails egg nestled on top, and said:- “Great, could I have it medium rare?” He didn’t realise that it is a raw dish. You don’t want to make a mistake like that surrounded by comics! Then we all caught the Metro to Anvers, and headed up the steps of Sacre Coeur to Mont Martre. The Place Du Tertre is packed with artists, and to Arthur Smith, who had lived for a year in Paris in his twenties, it was the most magical location. Arthur had a mission. He wanted a team picture painted by a local artist but found that all the artists were very expensive. One woman agreed to do it for 150 quid, in charcoal. We all put in a tenner and took it in turns to go up to her studio so she could draw us. Arthur went last. When he returned to the bar he unrolled the picture. Not one of us could work out which one was us!
The last game was against AAS Fresnes who, as it turned out, were were a second division French side, and these were ex-players! The club had put up posters all over that part of Paris advertising the match and three hundred fans had turned up to watch.
Their captain and goalkeeper was called Adolph and presented Arthur Smith with a pennant before the game. They then tore us apart with short sharp clinical passing, walking the ball into our net. They thrashed us, 6-0, strolling and playing keep ball. We showered and went down to their club house where at least we spent a happy night getting drunk with them. The following day we boarded the bus outside the hotel, well, all of us except Patrick Marber, who announced that he had decided to stay in Paris and write a novel. Ten years later he was one of those wonderful people who saved Lewes FC, helping it to be a community owned club.