Retro Roamer

A retrospective look at the Roamer columns of the early 1990s

Councillor Iain Dhu and An Gearasdan Dubh have been figuring frequently in this column since Iain suggested that Fort William should be renamed ‘Achintore’. Worried colleagues – chairmen, fellow councillors, officials and local sportsmen – are concerned at the potential cost of altering stationery and promotional and advertising material, signposting, and entries in the various directories.

Just a few of those affected by a name change would be Achintore and Lochaber Tourist Board, Achintore Football Club, Achintore Shinty Club, Achintore Chamber of Commerce, Achintore Community Council, and, of course, Achintore Police. Admittedly the police station is virtually in Achintore Road at the moment.

Councillor Iain Dhu would, of course, become the local member for Achintore, and play a leading role in the Achintore Tercentenary celebrations . If you’d like to compare notes with Iain you might be able to confront/consult him at Saturday’s Achintore v Brora Rangers match.

Then there is the tale of Olwyn’s dog, ‘Breac’, the 10-year-old white Dalmatian with brown spots, which had run away from home – twice. Because, Cllr Olwyn advised the environmental health services committee, the postman had left her front gate open.

Breac was rounded up at the back of Presto’s, by Fiona, the dog warden, who works for the EHS committee. And Breac’s return cost Olwyn more than 30 quid. So you can imagine the repartee ‘unleashed’ at the meeting in Lochaber House! ‘The biter bit’, offered one member.

‘Love me, love my dog’, offered another colleague. ‘Get a spring for your gate’, was the canny canine advice from the council chairman. ‘That would save Breac barking up the wrong tree’, quoth another councillor. Once the hilarity subsided, committee chairman Charlie King noted that the £32.88 paid out by Olwyn for the collection service and kenneling for her dallying Dalmatian was more than a third of the entire proceeds of the whole month’s dog catching.

At that, Cllr Murphy barked, ‘And I know who had to fork out quite a bit of the remainder. A householder in Inverlochy, whose collie has a tag on its collar with the phone number of the owner. But nobody in the environment department got on the dog and bone to alert the relevant master or mistress.’

How about the High Street bank manager who joined his staff for a drink in The Crofter after work on Friday. ‘What would you all like to drink?’ was his expansive invitation. In mid-order of some very exotic concoctions the HSBM realised he had no money on him!

So he sheepishly approached a senior colleague and whispered, ‘I haven’t taken any cash with me – can you give me a sub’? The requisite credit transfer was duly carried out. Well, it had to be, really, for the man providing the short term loan was the bank’s own accountant.

I walked out to the Road to the Isles Filling Station for my Sunday papers. As I entered, Sammy handed me the phone and said, ‘There’s somebody here wanting to speak to you.’ Says I, ‘Is the person psychic?’ Anyhow, I took the phone and said, tentatively, ‘Good morning. What’s Sammy getting me into here?’

The voice at the other end – which I recognised immediately – replied, ‘It’s hot out here, Roamer, I’m calling from Hong Kong.’ Yes, it was, of course, Sammy’s sister Jean (Horner) Parkin. I had a long, unscheduled chat with Jean and Alan. It resembled something like Two-Way Family Favourites – without the music.

Wednesday is ‘National No Smoking Day’. The code name is ‘Packet In’. And, to float the occasion, Lochaber District Council has been asked to give discounts at the Leisure Centre for those who want to dive in at the deep end and kick the habit. Thus the Lochaber message will be ‘Dowse that Dout’.

’Commemorative Arches’ were on the council agenda for discussion regarding the Tercentenary celebrations. Successive municipal administrations in the Fort have always had a thing about such structures. They built arches of branches, thatch and heather at both ends of the High Street to welcome the return of the locals from the wars, the ‘Coming of the Railway’, Royal visits, you name it. So the elected members considered that our Tercentenary offering could be of British Aluminium/ Pulp Mill paper. (One councillor opined that there is more paper in Lochaber House than in the Mill). It was also mooted that two members of Lochaber District Council Tercentenary Sub-Committee

– one wearing a fur coat – should be delegated to provide a musical flavour with a High Street rendition of ‘Underneath the Arches’.

In bygone days the Viewforth Gang and our allies from Loch Linnhe Buildings and Tweeddale used to go fishing for rockies and cuddies off the slip opposite the Signal Box.

The entire catch was fed to Jockafee’s cats at MacLennan’s feed store. But the old order changeth.

Last week a modern-day ‘fisherman’ was espied on the walls of the Old Fort . Complete with rope and butcher’s hook, the Presto Pioneer stood atop the ramparts and angled and dangled for ages, trying to connect with some of the supermarket’s trolleys which had ‘gone over the wall’.

He certainly gave a new slant to the term ‘A good basket’ as, happy as Larry, he hummed snatches of ‘The Trolley Fisherman’.