Retro Roamer
A retrospective look at the Roamer columns of the early 1990s.
Joe Gillies didn’t know where to put himself while entertaining – in his own inimitable style – in the Alex.
Throughout the evening he had been asked to read out birthday and anniversary dedications. Then a large piece of paper was clipped to his music stand. Written on it was a request for Joe to play a tune for '15 ex-call girls’. Joe’s innate sense of West Highland propriety caused his eyebrows to be raised – till he saw the large group of former Fort William telephone operators waving to him.
A burglar alarm sounded in premises in the High Street at the weekend. ‘PC Mac’ was detailed to call at Inverlochy Court in the village to alert the keyholder
– who is not on the phone. Let’s say the keyholder’s name is MacSporran – which it isn’t. Anyhow officer Mac gets himself down to Inverlochy Court and goes to number such and such. Looks at the name plate under the doorbell. It read ‘Friedland’. So PC Mac mused they hadn’t given him the right house for Mr MacSporran. Gets on the radio to control and advises accordingly. 'Oh, maybe we misread the number. Try number so and so.' Officer Mac meanders a bit further along the Court. Finds the number and does an action replay of looking at the name beneath the doorbell. Shines his torch on it. What’s on it? ‘Friedland’! ‘There’s a heck of a lot of Friedlands living in the village, all of a sudden,’ thinks PC Mac. Gets onto the two-way to advise that the folk at both numbers appeared to be related, but not to a MacSporran. Back comes a message –amid stifled laughter –‘Friedland is the name of the firm that manufactures the doorbells’!
James Macintyre’s farewell to his contact lenses - part two:
To Sandy, said Cindy, ‘Now, Dad, don’t be windy,
But I think James’ll take a dim view’.
So, upstairs, face red, to his son-in-law’s bed,
‘James. I’m afraid I’ve bad news for you’
The response, you might think, would have made Sandy blink,
As James’s eyes they began to go round.
‘Well, when you’ve been cured, I hope you’re insured,
‘For they cost me a hundred and ten pound!’
Nothing for it then, but to give all the gen
When insurance man they both faced.
Said Sandy’s wife Lizzie, ‘We’re in a bit of a tizzy
About two contact lenses Sandy’s misplaced’.
‘When last were they seen? – Where might they have been?
‘Have you had a really good scout?’
‘Well, they’re actually quite handy – very close to my Sandy.
‘They’re on his inside - looking out’!
Insurance man shook his head. ‘I’m sorry – no bread.
‘You’ll just have to carry the cost. ‘I appreciate your aim, but you haven’t a claim,
‘You see, the lenses haven’t been lost’.
So now, looked at starkly, or through two lenses darkly,
‘Sandy Penny’ could well, from now hence
Be known to the nation, in these days of inflation,
As ‘Sandy, 11,000 Pence’!
The facial expressions of the Bank of Scotland staff were a collective picture on Monday as the Nevisport ‘Barrow Boys’ deposited the proceeds of their coin collection for Lochaber Mountain Rescue Team. The hoard was so huge that a wheelbarrow had to be borrowed from the ‘Burgh’ to convey it along the High Street. And when the counting stopped, the tellers told me the yield was £740 for this famous, favourite cause.
During the soup and sandwich recess after the leisure and recreation committee meeting in Lochaber House, Councillor Iain Thornber was feeling a bit gallus. Off came the tweed jacket to reveal the Thornber trousers held up by a belt. Then he produced a pair of bright red braces. He attached these to his breeks, but couldn’t carry out the appropriate contortions to fasten them to the rear buttons of the trouser. So he gave delegated powers to Councillor Nan Forbes. This done, the Thornber troosers were firmly held by belt – and braces. A very useful combination for decision making at Lochaber District Council meetings.
No doubt Fort William will be tidied up for the Royal Tercentenary Visit. The word is the Queen will be laying the foundation stone for the An Aird development. So, obviously, an almighty clean-up of the area is in store. Starting, hopefully, with the flotsam at the Old Fort. Someone from the reception committee should be delegated to take action on the assorted rubbish washed up on the Fort shore. That depends, of course, on there being space on the council freighters after they’ve been loaded up with the cigarette ends which are strewn all over town.
The story of the alleged shortage of shops selling knickers in Fort William continues to excite daily papers. Indeed one ladyabout-town has just taken receipt of a commodious pair – sent by friends in Frankston, Australia! Apparently her ex-pat friends had been briefed about the ‘smalls saga’ courtesy of the Roamer column sent overseas from the Fort. Fortunately MacLennan’s continue to come to the rescue locally.