More Roamerisms from the early 1990s

❚ Councillor Charlie King, chairman of LDC’s environment committee, was down in the dumps. Literally. Chairman King had presented himself at Brackletter for the inspection of a new type of clay lining for the tip at that location. Unfortunately, the meeting venue had been changed to Inverlochy! But nobody had advised the ‘King’ accordingly. So he had time to read the entire history of St Johnstone FC before it became apparent that his fellow councillors were not coming out to Brackletter to join him.

❚ However, Lochaber District Council did swing into action next day, with 70 items on the agenda! Is this a record? You may well ask. In one sense of the meaning of the word ‘record’, yes, it is. Because it’s a bit like Same Song, Next Verse. As to another connotation of the word ‘record’, maybe a meeting with 70 agenda listings could find its way into the Guinness Book. One thing is certain. There is no way that any council can deal with that amount of business in any depth, for the benefit of the local electorate. Inevitably, 17 items had to be carried forward, and the council will be required to reconvene to catch up with them. I reckon that meetings beget meetings. And the way things are going just now, our local authority looks set to disappear along its own corridors of power. My old boss, Maxwell Joseph, always declared: ‘If you can’t set out the relevant information on half an A4 page – then don’t attempt to say it at all.’ Perhaps the council could take half a leaf out of that A4 book for the benefit of the Lochaber public. And the local press.

❚ It was certainly a baptism of fire for the Mill’s new management team. Because a lot more than steam heat was generated at the back of one of the processing sections. So much so that the fire brigade was summoned. In the meantime, however, Chizzy was stepping into the breech. In fact, he became the hero of the half-hour in that it was he who went ‘underground’ beneath the checker plate grille to tackle the smoke and flames. And Chizzy emerged blackened but triumphant. Meanwhile, his colleague, Chick, who was directing operations from the floor above, noticed that Jackie was hosing down the wrong area. He yelled to him to redirect his spray. But Jackie couldn’t hear his shouts amid all the din. So Chick turned his hose on Jackie which got him to turn around and be pointed in the right direction.

❚ Dougie Masson was well chuffed. He attended the Highland League’s Player of the Year do in Inverness, along with Calum MacLean, the league’s top scorer. And Dougie discovered that, for the second successive season, he had been voted the Fort William FC Player of the Year in a poll of all the other Highland League clubs. In other words, Dougie’s performances, as judged by the officials of clubs visiting Claggan Park throughout the season, made him their number one. Calum, meanwhile, is Fort William FC’s own Player of the Year. So they both had plenty to celebrate in Inverness.

❚ Lochaber Mountain Rescue Team’s weekend call out to the head of Glen Nevis must not go unrecognised. They had been despatched in the van to track down four TA personnel who had been missing overnight. As the LMRT vehicle negotiated the single-track road, a camouflaged figure jumped out from the bushes and ‘gave himself up’. ‘Are you looking for us?’ he queried. The team members were. So the van’s engine was switched off so that the key could be used to open the back door. The TA boys stowed their gear, and noticed that the key was a bit bent. So the nameless driver (well he was certainly left without a name after this rescue mission) walloped the key with a stone in order to straighten it. He did just that, except that the key broke into two pieces. So a mayday call was sent out to the polis. To rescue the rescue team.

❚ The busy times are upon us again. So, despite the usual half-hearted attempt at recognising our Monday town holiday, the Fort was going like a fair. It’s not just the to wrist season, it’s the silly season as well. On Friday, for example, I watched in amazement – along with the august Augustus Barnett staff – as the driver of a Southern Counties-registered motor executed a perfect three-point turn in the middle of the High Street in front of their shop. At peak time. As he was then bombing his way along the street he just missed the Frenchman who had parked his car in Cameron Square between the advertising boards and the bollards – and was reversing out at that very moment. Just as well he hadn’t come down town on Sunday morning as he would have bumped into the Sierra which was left all night on the junction of Fassifern Road and Belford Road.

❚ Shinty players have been given some interesting advice by Arthur Williamson from Inverness, who writes : ‘I hope that shinty stalwarts won’t descend to the level of footballers by cuddling, hugging and even kissing their goalscorers. Could you even imagine it – in the middle of a shinty match, on a Saturday afternoon?’