More Roamerisms from the early 1990s

❚ Ronnie is quick on the uptake, and indeed, on the downtake. He was in the Loch Leven the other night, and the crack was good. So much so that some customers were buying drams for the barman. These mounted up until there was a bumper quintuple in one glass. However, one over enthusiastic/awkward member of staff contrived to knock the glass sideways, till it began to fall off the edge of the counter. Like lightning, Ronnie, in the manner of the McEwan’s advert on the telly, caught it, and its contents, before they hit the floor. Then, raising the glass, as if proposing a toast, Ronnie proclaimed: ‘Slainte Mhath – And I’m claiming salvage rights.’

❚ Alistair Gow was standing in the driveway to a crofthouse down Druimarben way when a JCB pulled up on the main road alongside. Then an accompanying pick-up appeared, towing a caravan. The JCB driver enquired, ‘Can you tell me, Sorr, what this place is?’ Alistair looked at the name on the piece of paper our Irish hero was holding. ‘Barcaldine’ it read. Refraining from the ‘If I were you .... ’ instruction, Alistair explained that they were nearer Ballachulish than Barcaldine. It transpired that the contracting cavalcade had arrived ‘to do a job’ seven miles north of Connel Bridge. But the bhoys had actually contrived to come across Ballachulish Bridge. So, at least, they could be able to take their bearings from there, as Alistair sent them southwards to think again.

❚ Angus ‘Lochiel’ was driving his fish van south over the Black Mount one day last week. Off to market at five o’clock in the morning. It was a bit frosty and Angus was ganging warily. He knew there would be deer about and, sure enough, his lights picked up the eyes of a stag on the grass verge. Angus slowed down, skidded a bit, and came to a halt. Whereupon the stag walked majestically across the road, in front of the van. But, as it was poised to disappear up the banking, the ungracious animal lashed out with a rear hoof and backheeled Angus’s sidelight and reflector. Angus ‘Lochiel’ was furious. And rightly so. He jumped out of the van and gave the stag a rare mouthful, calling it the most inconsiderate and discourteous animal under the early morning sun.

❚ I see the Hydro have won a Saltire Award for their Mullardoch Dam Project. And that, of course, could solve one of the world’s greatest mysteries. Because, it was in Loch Mullardoch that Lochaber Mountain Rescue Team members George Bruce and Donald Watt spotted the ‘Vanishing Cottage’. Now, could it be that what they saw, deep down in the waters of the loch was actually the temporary canteen, the earliest essential facility to be submerged for the £3 million project prior to the construction of the dam?

❚ Bobby, the golden retriever, worked his way out of the rear caged-off section of the family estate car. And plonked himself on the front passenger seat as his master drove off in the direction of the Braes of Lochaber. Along came the polis and flagged them down. ‘Shouldn’t your dog be behind the grille?’ queried they. And then, give them their due, they burst out laughing when they saw that Bobby, the canine co-driver was actually strapped into ‘his’ seat belt.

❚ The ‘Alexander Cousins’ put in an appearance earlier this month at Fergie’s ‘Illegal Moidart Museum’, which features illicit whisky stills and much poaching paraphernalia. ‘The Alexander Cousins’ were posing as excisemen. Of course the museum curator soon sussed out the ploy, as you don’t get too many excisemen on duty in these parts. So everybody had a good laugh. A week later two men turned up at the museum, identifying themselves as ‘excise officers’. The curator wasn’t swallowing that one. Until, that is, it emerged that they really meant business. And they insisted that a big, jaggy hole had to be bored out of the bottom of one particular copper still which was on display – so it couldn’t be used to produce home made hooch.

❚ It was a bit like Vaudeville in Lochaber House, the adjourned meeting of the council’s resources and general purposes committee providing great entertainment. But then it became somewhat acrimonious, with plenty of bickering. Raised voices, with comments like ‘atrocious’, ‘shambolic’, ‘appalling behaviour’. Later in the afternoon there were, however, some signs of light relief (if you’ll pardon the expression). I refer, in particular, to the fact that one elected member, unable to contain himself much longer, got up from the table to take his leave en route for the toilet. ‘Stay where you are!’ exhorted the chairperson. The caught-short councillor, now balancing on one foot, and leaving the room regardless, replied, ‘Have you got a mop, then?’ Just as well he wasn’t asking Ulsterman Sammy Ball that question. ‘A mop (map) of where?’ Sammy would have replied.