More Roamerisms from the early 1990s

This could only occur in Lochaber. Donnie was walking the dog at Badabrie. He met and passed the time of day with Alastair, who was out for a wander before heading back to Lochyside. When Donnie got home the phone was ringing – all the way from New York. It was a wrong number. Donnie, however, being a helpful Highlander asked who the transatlantic caller was hoping to contact. He was trying to ring Alastair! ‘I’d leave it for an hour before you re-dial,’ Donnie suggested, having checked the American had the right number for Alastair. ‘I just passed Alastair walking home a wee while ago.’

It’s dry and mild for the time of year which hopefully means work to improve the High Street will make more rapid progress than scheduled. Because at present the scene of devastation up the middle of the street can only be compared to the excavations we saw when the Atlantic cable was buried under our main thoroughfare 35 years ago.

Aye, shades of the day when the Fort William telephone exchange staff used to look out the window and see who was in, out or pending in the shops and offices across the High Street and advise callers accordingly. The mouse that wasn’t spared. This one had the temerity to get loose aboot Jean’s hoose. But quick-thinking Jean, despite being frightened of mice, put her foot on it. Standing there, with the mouse ‘trapped’, she phoned for family reinforcements. Their arrival was a source of considerable relief to Jean, because she was desperate for the loo by then!

Let’s take a trip to Seagull City for a change stopping, en route, at Glenfinnan. The station museum there has been running a children’s quiz and last Wednesday primary school pupils from Mallaig had a go at the questions, one of which was: ‘Did Bonnie Prince Charlie travel by train?’ The answer, from a Seagull City juvenile luminary who will go far – by train or whichever mode of transport he chooses - was: ‘No. I think he travelled by boat because the English were already on the train.’

Meanwhile, Mallaig Community Council had organised the annual Hallowe’en parade. The costumed characters caused much mirth and confusion as three guisers included one female dressed up to resemble their amiable district councillor Charlie King. ‘King abdicates,’ one placarded impostor proclaimed. ‘For King and council,’ another declared. But the real Charlie King didn’t put in an appearance at the Hallowe’en Parade. He was dookin’ for apples in Cyprus at the time.

Then there was the local member of the legal profession who, together with a Fort William GP, arrived at the Alex on Tuesday for the Chamber of Commerce meeting. Such was their attention to detail, they were a week early.

A few weeks ago I wrote a daft little item in this column. Okay, most of them are, says you. I’ll call this one a ‘deft little item’ instead. The tale majored on Hazel Bremner, former teacher of French and German at Fort William senior secondary and Lochaber high schools. In it, I mentioned the jumbled phrase we concocted in our French class. It ran: ‘Pas d’elle yeux rhone que nous’ which translated as ‘paddle your own canoe’. Are you with me so far? Well, apparently, Hazel Bremner was. For on the weekend the item appeared, Hazel was up in Fort William, staying with Elsie, former landlady of her school teaching days. ‘Imagine me reading that in the paper on one of the rare occasions I was back in Fort William!’ said Hazel. She was even more surprised when she discovered, about that same time, there had been a class reunion of several of her pupils from the 1960s.

Kirsty was preparing all the vegetables at the Milton last Thursday morning. But, as she worked away happily, Kirsty kept wondering why the hotel continued to be in darkness. Then it ‘dawned’ on her. The Milton was closed that day.

Question – when is a town holiday not a town holiday? Answer – when it’s in Fort William. Aye some folk had a day off on Monday this week. Most didn’t. The mail was delivered. But there was no-one in at Lochaber District Council to receive theirs. The banks were open. The tourist office was shut. The schools were in. Just a few office and shop staff didn’t have to put in an appearance. Caol Co-op, however, took the Fort William holiday!

‘Neigh!’ ‘Neigh!' And thrice ‘Neigh!’ That was the message from former Duncansburgh minister Rev John Wright when the BBC arrived at his current charge in New Govan to ask if they could film a Rab C Nesbitt episode with a horse clip- clopping down the aisle at a wedding. The producers are now looking for a deconsecrated, derelict church.

I was reading, according to a survey, Scots are reckoned to be the first in the UK to make complaints. I find this all a bit strange. For example, you never see me mumping or moaning in this column. Do you? It’s all sweetness and light.

Tony Robinson of Baldrick fame forsook Blackadder for Safeway on Saturday and, in unscripted fashion, he was soon wandering around outside the store asking for directions to Fort William High Street.