More Roamerisms from the early 1990s

■ I really would have liked to have witnessed the ‘turkey trot’ in Safeway on Christmas Eve when a man and a woman approached the freezer cabinet from opposite sides of the aisle. They made a breenge for the last remaining frozen turkey. Both took a hold of it and wouldn’t let go. They’re said to have been ‘talking turkey’ for quite a long while afterwards. The last I heard was that they were tossing a coin for the privilege.

■ As I write this, I’m looking at a colour picture in the winter edition of Highland Focus, the region’s Development Department’s own magazine. It shows Highland Clansmen arriving – by helicopter – to enact a scene for Rob Roy in Glen Nevis. One of the kilted, tartan plaided, bunneted, thong-booted, bearded ‘clansmen’ is none other than Irish connection Brian McDermott, sporting his favourite Kerry kilt. Giving it an airing indeed, prior to Lochaber Mountain Rescue Team’s dinner dance.

■ The council’s Planning Department in Lochaber is facing a funding crisis after Christmas. Officials won’t be attending meetings in January because that would require travel expenses to be paid. The mandatory insertion of planning applications in the local press is being centralised in one newspaper – and not a local one at that. These measures are being introduced to bring that favourite watchword ‘budget’ back into line, so that everything will be hunky dory for officialdom at the financial year end – if not for their paymasters, the local public.

■ A group of Americans in a Lochaber hotel where they are guesting during the festive season. During a bar meal, one of the younger ladies in the party sashayed up to a waitress and said: ‘Excuse me. Where do you keep the condiments?’ Waitress looked more than a little embarrassed and replied, reluctantly: ‘Er, well, there’s machines for these in the toilets.’ The ‘condiments of the season’ indeed.

■ Before and after lunchtime on the next few Wednesdays if you spot the Rotarians going against the tide on the High Street, then don’t worry. They know where they’re going. The members of the Rotary Club of Lochaber are being welcomed – temporarily – in the Alex, while the Grand undergoes a refit.

■ I suppose it had to happen! And it did. An official letter arrived at the Arjo Wiggins Mill. Addressed to R Joe Wiggins.

■ A classic on Scottish radio. ‘Snow has blocked the Whitbridge to Fort Angus road’.

■ The thin end of the wedge for the West Highland Line? No sleepers. No Motorail. No steam trains. No line? The current leaflet which welcomes passengers aboard the West Highlander is signed by the Inter-City West Coast Sleeper Services business manager. It omits Fort William. As does the map of the Inter-City Network which featured Fort William heretofore.

■ Those waiting for their cases to be heard at Fort William Sheriff Court earlier this month could have been pardoned for having a sense of foreboding. In the defendants’ waiting room are two piles of magazines. On top of one is a copy of Time and on the other is Take a Break.

■ An annoying habit is that commentators from the central belt persist in perpetuating the mispronunciation of Mallaig. Oh, they can say Seagull City alright. But never Mallaig. It’s always Ma-llaig for some reason, with the accent firmly on the second syllable. And now, if you phone Mallaig numbers, a Glasgow voiceover insists on telling you: ‘All four-figure Ma-llaig numbers have been changed to six.’

■ Interesting local conjectures about the forthcoming Old Firm New Year clash prompts me to back track a few decades. Because, in one particular derby match, there was a real Lochaber connection. Centre half for Celtic was ‘Rogie’ Gillies from Mallaig and centre half for Rangers was Bill Paterson from Kinlochleven.

■ The cry would have gone round Claggan Park like wildfire – if last Saturday hadn’t been so wet. ‘There’s two of them!’ Two of whom? Well it’s difficult to believe, but there’s two Nigel MacKenzies. Or, to be pedantic, two Nigels MacKenzie. Aye, while our local Nigel was ‘flagging’ on the Jungle side at Claggan Park, his namesake was getting stripped for action for Wick Academy in a far north fixture.