More Roamerisms from the early 1990s

■ A very special envelope – unstamped – was dropped into the post box in Glenpane Street, Caol, at the weekend. When the Monday collection was made, there it was. Addressed to The Poor People. Inside the envelope was a collection of small coins – From Siobhan. The envelope and its contents were subsequently delivered by Royal Mail to a local charity shop. As a well-used Lochaber saying has it: ‘It’s nice to be nice.’

■ A wee story about wool has always appealed to me. It concerns a prospective buyer and the auctioneer at a Scottish mart where the word for wool was ‘oo’. Buyer, looking at the bale, enquired: ‘Oo?’ Auctioneer’s reply: ‘Aye, oo.’ Buyer: ‘A’ ae oo?’ (All one and the same wool) Auctioneer: ‘Aye, a’ ae oo.’

■ A similar exchange between mother and toddler took place in a High Street eaterie. Mum to toddler : ‘Ea’ i’ a’ up.’ Toddler, later: ‘Er a’ eh’ i’a’up.’

■ ‘Everything goes in cycles’, as the saying has it. Ross came into town from The Village on his mountain bike. Met a couple of mates and they decided to have a few drams. So Ross called up a taxi to take his bike home to Inverlochy so he could enjoy the evening without ‘driving’. Shades of Sandy from Camaghael phoning a taxi to take his collie dog home after he (Sandy) had won quite a few quid at the Playhouse bingo, and wanted to spend some of it in the Volunteer Arms across the lane. Yes, you’ve guessed it. The driver came into the bar shouting, ‘Taxi for MacAulay’!

■ All of the delegates at the 16th Celtic Film and TV Festival in Fort William last week were presented with a waterproof poncho containing a press pack, a miniature of whisky, and a local guide book. ‘We didn’t provide any midge repellent because it was a mite too cold in the Fort,’ said presenter Cathy MacDonald. They should all have been here during our heatwave the week before.

■ International football. Scotland held Russia to a draw. And Caol lads, John McGinlay and Duncan Shearer, were on the field together to share in what was a moral victory for Scotland. Admittedly, John and Duncan were on as subs for a short while – but that represented a tremendous achievement by Caol’s own football stars. Appropriately enough, Jock Brown lost no time in telling the nations where our duo came from.

■ Spare a thought for George out there on the rigs. He is a rabid Rangers supporter. So he asked Donnie from Back to put the words ‘I Love Rangers’ – in Gaelic – on his safety helmet. But George is now wandering about the rig with a hard hat proclaiming ‘I Love Hearts’. In Gaelic. ‘Good on you, Donnie,’ said all of us in our local telephone box venue of the Fort William Hearts Supporters’ Club.

■ Pat Cassidy is still learning his electrical craft/graft. At the Pulp Mill Club last Friday night, anxious to get the Celtic v Hibs game on Sky TV, Pat was at the controls. But he couldn’t get the telly to show any pictures. Until, that is, son John Francis made a suggestion. ‘Why don’t you take the lens cap off, dad?’ Pat did. And there on screen was the match being beamed live. Even then, Pat saw nothing much. Nothing nothing, in fact.

■ The lads from the region’s Water and Sewerage Department must surely have deserved quintuplicate overtime for their sterling efforts outside Craig Nevis Surgery on Saturday when that blinking mains pipe sustained a comminuted fracture. Meanwhile, there was more water on the road than there was in the swimming pool, a few yards away. Indeed, Belford Road was more like Belford River, and causing havoc.

■ There’s something growing on the verges alongside Ben Nevis Distillery. Indeed it looks like Birnam Wood has arrived there, complete with out-of-town contractors. It seems that the planting of environmentally friendly trees is taking place at the ‘Northern Gateway’ to Fort William. Which, in the view of many, isn’t necessary, there being a fair amount of assorted foliage out there already. Not to mention Highland cattle.

■ Across the road, at the BA Club, John MacLennan discovered some scratches on his black leather jacket. Having applied the touch-up colouring, John bunged the jacket into the washing machine – for some reason, best known to himself. After the complete programme, John howked it out. He was crestfallen to discover that it now qualifies as a nearly- new garment for a five year old.

■ Belford Road up? It didn’t take long for the Constabulary to spring into action and they soon had a oneway light-traffic system in full flow. Round by the Underwater Centre, across the Nevis at the junction of Wades and Abrach, and then up to the Village Road-End for dispersal to all points. Indeed, there hasn’t been so much activity in Abrach Road since the Royal visit several decades ago.

■ Youngsters at Banavie Primary have been coming home: ‘We’re getting takeaways at school.’ An interesting one for their parents. However, on questioning, all has been revealed: ‘Oh, like nine take away five and six take away three.’