Ask Mary Mary Kenny
Q
People talk about the loneliness of old age. But what I find hardest is the sense of regret. I don’t suppose there is any solution for that…
Sally Baker Browne, Surrey.
A
Story of my life. But it can help to share it with a pal. I get together with an old friend and we have mournful, wallowing conversations along the lines of ‘ Oui, je
regrette tout’. Or, at any rate, ‘ beaucoup’.
It helps.
Q
Why do we older women pay so much attention to older chaps on their own? I call them the ‘casserole ladies’, as they always seem to be taking casseroles to their gentlemen friends. Now I seem to count myself among them. There’s a nice old chap – well into his eighties – in my mansion block, with whom I’m friends, and recently I offered to bring him a nice casserole for lunch. When I got to the door, he had the temerity to tell me that ‘Oh, Esther has brought me lunch today’! A competitor among the casseroles! What do you make of it, Mary?
Heather, London NW1.
A
I think it’s mostly a mixture of loneliness, kindness and a maternal feminine altruism. And maybe there’s an element of female competitiveness, too – men grow scarcer as we grow older so we may compete for their attention. I have encountered another, parallel case: a woman who cared for her partner selflessly when he became disabled. He’s had to go into a care home because of the disability, though she still takes responsibility for him and organises everything – only to find an ex-girlfriend now ‘on the prowl’, visiting him and proffering, at least metaphorically, casserole comfort. The effrontery! What do I make of it all? I’ve gone back to reading Sartre and de Beauvoir on existentialism, and they tell us we are free to choose our actions – and take responsibility. So choose to bring the casserole if you wish, but don’t be too surprised if the old chaps turn out to be spoilt rotten by the attention of their other casserole ladies.
Q
My only daughter, who is in her late-thirties, has been in a relationship with a man thirteen years her senior for the past five years. I suspect he is stringing her along and may even be seeing other women on the side. She has hinted to him that she would like a baby, preferably within marriage. He has a sly, sardonic sense of humour and won’t address any relationship issues. This upsets me as I want my daughter to find fulfilment and happiness in her life. Should I find the courage to speak out and perhaps confront this evasive commitmentphobe?
Name and address supplied.
A
I definitely think this man should be told the facts of life, and, indeed, the facts of what used to be called gallantry – you don’t string a woman along for interminable years, without at some point announcing your intentions. Behind such gallantry are the facts of life: women have a limited number of eggs, and female fertility begins to decline after the age of 35. However, I think she herself must be bolder and affirm her entitlements to such consideration: Daddy can’t really do it for her these days. Some women just go ahead and get pregnant ‘accidentally’, since nature has bestowed upon the female this prerogative and the male can like it or lump it. I’d say talk to her about what she chooses to risk, and which option might she regret twenty years hence – taking the plunge with affirmative action, or doing nothing and dawdling along as before?
Q
I am astonished that so many American voters find presidential wannabe Donald Trump appealing. His attitude to minorities and women are appalling. Why do otherwise intelligent women find such men attractive? Women always say they want a nice guy, but end up dating bad boys. I welcome your views on this subject.
Sean O’M, Wexford.
A
I remember someone saying to me that ‘Every woman loves a Fascist – once’. Yes, it seems gals do like bad boys, even in our senior years, when you’d think we’d have better sense. I am not a fan of Mr T, and cannot quite see his appeal on that level, but I suppose he fits the template of the Alpha Male (and he seems to attract as many male voters as females). And you’ve got a point about the issue: in that classic Irish drama The Playboy of the Western
World, the heroine, Pegeen Mike, much prefers a drunken patricide to a responsible male with a temperance badge. But take heart. There are women who do like nice guys. Mary welcomes comments, problems, dilemmas and general complaints about love, life, manners, morals and the pursuit of happiness. Write to her c/o The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG, or email her at marykenny@ theoldie.co.uk. She also has a website: www.mary-kenny.com.