Ask Mary Mary Kenny
QI am a gay man. My current partner has three grandchildren and loves spending time with them. Unfortunately, his son has frozen me out and doesn’t want me meeting his kids. This is causing me much emotional pain. Can you offer me any advice? ‘Frank’, Co Dublin
AHonestly, families can be awkward, whatever the circumstances. I know people whose siblings haven’t spoken to them for twenty years, over a minor spat. I know grandparents who never see their grandchildren because of a divorce that turned sour (often over money). I’ve known weddings where one party won’t turn up if ‘the other side’ is attending. And it has nothing to do with being either gay or straight. The situation is indeed hurtful, but I think your best course is just to be as patient and kind as possible and show you’re an all-round good egg. Your partner may not want to ‘push’ the situation too much for fear of making it worse. You also have to accept that a warming of relations is not within your control, and that’s the hard part. But eventually, with time and tact, families often do reconcile: keep positive.
QA somewhat narcissistic entrepreneur, upon learning that his former wife was mortally ill, began to visit her regularly. At her funeral, he seemed to take the role of chief mourner. His adult children, knowing that his infidelities destroyed their parents’ marriage and convinced that their father took advantage of their mother’s frailty in her last illness, are determined to cut him out of their lives. How can they be persuaded that such a course of action will only compound their pain? (Parish chaplain, Wales)
AI heard an interesting contribution to BBC Radio 4’s Any Answers? recently, which was illuminating around this subject. An experienced care worker called to say that she had noticed that older people in care homes often remained unvisited for years – until the very end of their lives, or even after death, when family and friends might turn up to see what was in it for them. So, it happens. Yet, if you have pastoral access to the family, you might perhaps mention that at least their father did visit their terminally ill mother while she was still alive. Whatever the issues in the past (the young nowadays call infidelity ‘cheating’, in the American style), this attention may have been a comfort to her. Being very visible at the funeral might have been ‘narcissistic’, but you could also say that he was bearing witness to the relationship. In my experience, one can never ‘persuade’ people of anything but sometimes they can be influenced by gesture or story, as I am sure you will know.
QAs an artist, I’ve been advised to get onto Twitter to promote my work (I already do some communication with Facebook), but I dread the horrible people who haunt this medium. Do I have to? F M, Dordogne, France.
AYes, you must. Anyone engaged in any kind of modern enterprise must enhance their ‘brand’ by being on Twitter, and by tweeting. (Facebook is fine, but a wider public may be reached via Twitter.) Put up attractive pictures of your work. But never engage in any political or social controversy – that’s when the knives (and the trolls) emerge.
QMy husband and I are retired in our mid-sixties, in good health and financially comfortable. Being empty nesters, we are considering a permanent move to Rheims in France, where we own a property. However, some of our friends are urging caution because of the worry about Brexit’s impact on expats. Would it maybe be wiser to wait, rather than risk a move which could become legally complicated? R& M, Herts.
AIn your sixties, never wait! If you feel like moving to France, go for it – providing you feel financially OK. First, Brexit could take years. Second, I feel sure a deal will be done to accommodate expats. And thirdly, if one of you could dig up an Irish grandparent, you could always qualify for an Irish passport as a back-up!
Mrs F M Moore of Woodbridge in Suffolk has offered a helpful hint about dogs who embarrassingly nuzzle visitors’ private parts: ‘When I know I’m going to receive this unwelcome attention, before going out I spray perfume round the hem of my skirt. It seems to have solved the problem. A man could use drops of his aftershave or any male-type perfume – chances are the dog won’t like it.’
I have so enjoyed the feedback I’ve received from readers during my stint on this page – since the winter of 2014 – and thank you! The experienced and enchanting Virginia Ironside will now take over this column, and I will be writing a new column in The Oldie. Readers should send their problems to Virginia at problempage@theoldie.co.uk.